BAD HAIR DAY

...yeesh!

And could someone rescue her boobs? They're crying out for help!

Happy Monday!

What no romance heroine in her right mind wants to find under her Christmas tree:

(but... all I wanted was a pony!)

Happy Monday, and Merry Christmas!!

THIRTEEN CHRISTMASTIME MEMORIES



Ah, youth. All that anticipation! Decorating the tree, going to church, waiting for Santa, eating too much... And staring at--but never dare touching--the perfectly wrapped, hospital-cornered gifts under the tree... until mom and dad said it was time to open presents.

Sigh... those were the days...

1. I remember my mother making her special holiday bread (she is a genius with bread to this day--and I did not inherit that trait, unfortunately). It is a simple sweet bread with raisins studded through it; mom would divide the dough into three parts and braid it together before she baked it. I can still taste it.

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2. We always went to Christmas Eve mass, not Christmas Day. Now, being Catholic, we had lots of opportunities for church--all those holy days!--but my mother was a strict "vigil" person. We went to weekly mass on Saturday evenings, and holiday/holy days to the Vigil Mass, which is held the night before the actual event.
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3. After mass, we would go to my Grampa Joe's house. He lived in town, which when I was a kid was a big deal. Living on a farm three miles out, we only went to town once--maybe twice--a week. If necessary. Like if you were bleeding from the eyes. Or for church, of course.

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4. At Christmas Eve, we kids actually got to drink a glass of wine at Grampa Joe's. Granted, it was Maneschewitz Concord Grape or some other high-caliber vintage, but still. It was WINE!

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5. Our closest cousins would be there, and it was like a big party. We'd trade stories and go into Grampa Joe's spare bedroom and kick all the coats off the bed and hang out in the dark with cookies and our WINE and tell ghost stories. Ghost stories for Christmas?? You bet! The scarier the better!

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6. One Christmas Eve my sister and cousin wanted to "tell secrets" in private and shoved me out of the spare bedroom and I got my middle finger squeezed between the door frame and the door. On the hinge side. On my fingernail. (are you cringing yet? the nail fell off a few weeks later--baby, that hurt like a m-f!)

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7. We always had good, yummy (sometimes weird) traditional foods. Like pierogies, oyster stew--which wasn't stew at all; it was a broth with oysters floating around in it, kielbasa (can you tell I'm Polish yet?), and so much more.

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8. I can still remember getting that knot in my stomach when we'd finally get home and in bed, thinking I could never get to sleep and squeezing my eyes shut really tight (like that's going to work) so Santa wouldn't think I was awake and not leave me anything and finally falling asleep and waking up at like 5 a.m. and fidgeting like crazy because I didn't dare get up right away and finally getting up because I heard dad out in the living room bustling around... that anticipation was hell in the most wonderful way imaginable.

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9. Picking the first present to open. I always went for a safe one first, one that I pretty much knew what it was. Like books.

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10. Decorating the dog with ribbons and bows. Our dogs were the most patient animals on the planet, thank goodness. I have continued this tradition with my own dog (why not?). However he looks very put-upon whenever I stick a ribbon or bow on his head. Like "Oh, great. Here we go again. Treating me like a fricking present when I'm a dog! A dog! I want biscuits, not bows!"

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11. I remember my oldest sister (not the one who shut my finger in the door) crawling under the tree before Christmas and shaking every single present, trying to guess what was inside. I think she does it to this day. And--major plus-- Son seems to have inherited this particular trait, and it is really cute to watch him.

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12. Decorating the tree--resurrecting those old ornaments and examining each one and breaking a few (blush) and making sure you put "your" ornaments on the tree. This was crucial. Any ornament we kids made, we had to put on. And then there were the ornaments we claimed as ours... and on down to the dull, scratched boring ones that nobody wanted to put on but they had to be put on...

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13. My dad always turned on the tree lights first thing in the morning. It was magical to get up when it was still dark and go into the living room and the only light was coming from the tree. And on Christmas Eve and Christmas night, the tree stayed on all night long. I was never sure exactly why, but it was lovely and touching. I have taken this tradition to heart and I hope Son takes it with him as well.

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Don't know if I'll post next week or not; we'll have to see how things go. But just in case: Happy Christmas to all!

'Tis the season... to... huh?

The following covers came up under "Christmas Romance" and I'm still scratching my head.

Okay, the green thingy might be a last-minute airbrushed piece of mistletoe. But sorry, Texas Hold-em doesn't qualify as "Christmassy" unless... umm... It just doesn't. (PS: Does that guy look like Barry Manilow to you?)

Sure, there's a tree. But where are the warm fuzzies? Instead of "holly jolly" I sense more "It's gonna blow! Get down quick!"

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I need help here(that title is asking for a good snark, for one!). Not only with trying to figure out how this relates to Christmas, but also whether or not the boy on the left has had his toes cut off in a freak farming accident or he's a victim of foot binding.
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12:45 pm: Doorstep Daddy... why is he on the doorstep? Did he lose his key? Is he not welcome inside? Did he and Back Porch Mommy have a little fight? Does the freaky foot-bound child have anything to do with him being on the doorstep? Inquiring minds want to know!
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Christmas? Valentine's Day? Either? Neither? Both? This guy reminds me of that assistant cop to McGarrett on Hawaii 5-0 (now who's old and dated?).
And what's with the safety pin through the heart near the bottom?
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Happy Monday, folks.
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THIRTEEN BAD CHRISTMAS GIFTS



What's the worst gift you've ever received, either as a true "under the tree" type gift or in a gift exchange (white elephant or otherwise)? Anything out there as bad as Ralphie's bunny suit? Following is a list of things received, or things I hope I never receive:

1. A Chia Pet.

2. A T-Shirt or Sweatshirt with a really ugly logo/pattern, or advertising something like "Frank's Gutter Cleaning" or "My dad went to Aruba and all I got was this crummy t-shirt."

3. A piece of exercise equipment. Unless you ask for this, it's pretty insulting.

4. A teeny (we're talking 1x2 inches) little toy car in a big, pretty box. This was a gift exchange selection gone wrong, and I got it!

5. Fruitcake. Not the really good, homemade ones but the rock-hard brick in the clearance section of the drugstore that has those freaky fluorescent cherries all through it.

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6. A used hat. Sweetheart got this at an office gift exchange and it had a sweat stain on the band. Eeeuuuww!

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7. A dancing/singing/wiggling Santa/snowman/fish. This is the trifecta "awful" gift: ugly, obnoxious, and battery operated!

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8. Nothing. As in, "Christmas is today? Gee, I forgot..."

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9. An appliance. Again, unless you asked for it...

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10. Presents for your baby when you're pregnant. Essentially, there's nothing wrong with this unless the only presents that you, Pregnant Goddess, receive are like onesies and blankies and stuff. Nothing for you individually. (Yes, this happened to me.)

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11. The "As Seen On TV" gift that either doesn't work when you get it, drives you insane within minutes, or is so NOT anything you ever could have needed. Like, say, The Clapper, The Miracle Slicer, or anything by RonCo.

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12. Trashy lingerie. Not pretty stuff, mind you, but the Fredricks of Hollywood cheap red satin babydoll with plunging neckline, yards of scratchy lace and crotchless thong panties to match.

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13. Giant, Sam's Club-size products, like, say, a magnum of Listerine.

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Any candidates? Share!

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Cookie Statistics You Need To Know

**First, let me brag for a hot second: my entry in Bernita's "Weirdly" contest is posted on her website today! (Click on An Innocent a-Blog at the left sidebar.) Neat!

Now, back to our regularly scheduled program:

In my local paper this Sunday there were some astounding statistics on Christmas cookies. What were those astounding statistics, you ask? I'll share some here:

--More than 55 million American households bake holiday cookies.
--About 4.5 billion cookies will be baked in American homes during the month of December.
--The average American eats 300 cookies annually.
--"Peanut butter blossoms" rank #1 on the list of America's top 10 favorite holiday cookies.

Peanut Blossoms do rock, but I think my favorite still are the sugar cookie cutouts. Not the store brand either. Homemade, with all the butter and sugar and FAT you can handle. Yummy...

Will you be one of the 55 million households this year? Which cookie is your favorite? And do you eat 300 cookies a year? (I think I do...)

WHAT NOT TO DO AT THE OFFICE HOLIDAY PARTY

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Drink and confess...

Never spill your guts to a co-worker at the company party. Dave from Accounting looks like he'd rather be boiled in oil than listen to any more of Suzie's "confession".

Wear a Santa hat...

Everybody knows most hats are mistakes. Not only could you risk being made fun of for months, but you could end up engaged to Rita from Admin. after a few too many eggnogs.


Get busy during the gift exchange...


Okay, listen up. The point of "Secret Santa" is the SECRET part. And besides, who's going to want to unwrap those now after you two rolled around in them?

Take your coworker home...

First you've got to pay the babysitter, then get the little angel in bed, then die from embarrassment when she says, "I thought Joe from PR was my daddy!"

Happy Monday, all. And a request, if I may: Have you read any holiday-theme romances? Have you read any good ones? I have yet to find a good one, so share 'em if you've got 'em!

THIRTEEN FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS
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Christmas songs totally rock. I'll listen to them in July even. I love them all, but following are some of my all-time, hands-down faves:
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1. Sing We Now Of Christmas--my favorite version is by the Roger Wagner Chorale, but Michael W. Smith does a pretty cool rendition as well.

2. O Come, O Come Emmanuel--this always brings back childhood memories, being in church during advent and all the anticipation.

3. Oh Christmas Tree--the Vince Guaraldi version is the best one, IMO.

4. Breath of Heaven--this is a newer song, but I absolutely love it.

5. The Nightingale's Song--at least, I think it's called that. Garth Brooks sings it and I cry every time the bird flies out of the cage with the mended wing... (rapid blinking here)

6. The Holly And The Ivy--Roger Whittaker version. So powerful and lovely.

7. Hey Santa!--Chris Isaak; it's so Texas-jazzy and fun!

8. Let It Snow--I like Lena Horne's version the best.

9. Wassail Song--Roger Wagner Chorale version.

10. Home For Christmas--it's an orchestral song with whip cracking and all that good stuff. Makes me think of playing in the snow and drinking cocoa and going for sleigh rides--I never have actually gone on one, but still.

11. Gabriel's Message--Sting; it's just wonderful.

12. Christmas Is For Children--Glen Campbell. This is the queerest, sappiest song ever. But I LOVE it.

13. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear--this one always reminds me of childhood and church too.

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I could list a million more, truly. But it is a TT. And since this is probably going to be the only blog post out there today that talks about favorite Christmas songs, share your faves with me here!

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I'm famous! I'm famous! (almost)

This morning I got a thrilling surprise: I was mentioned on another blog!

The lovely and literary Bernita mentioned my romance snark whilst discussing those impossible romance novel covers that we all know and love despite their laughability.

Thank you, Bernita! You made my day.
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THEY'D BEEN DRINKING TOO MUCH EGGNOG...

Warning: consumption of too much 'Christmas Cheer' can lead you to believe that wrapping yourself up as a present is a good idea.

It can also lead to clothing loss...

Bathtub misunderstandings with four-legged creatures...


...and a hangover that lasts at least eighteen years.
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Happy Monday!

It's just as I suspected...

All the giggling, wedgie-giving and crude "boob" jokes finally paid off, I guess.

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