THIRTEEN "TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS" PARODIES

(Once I got singing, I just couldn't stop!!!)

1. Bob Rivers' "The 12 Pains of Christmas". It's a classic; my favorite line is "Now why the hell are they blinking??"

2. Twisted Sister's "Heavy Metal 12 Days of Christmas", complete with a tattoo of Ozzy! Rock on, guys!

3. Shrek's "12 Days of Christmas". Who wouldn't want "Five Onion Rings"?

4. Alan Sherman's "12 Gifts of Christmas". Though the Japanese Transister Radio sounded nice, I'd hold out for the Lady With The Clock In Her Stomach Where Her Belly Button Used To Be (or however it goes...).

5. Jeff Foxworthy's "Redneck 12 Days of Christmas". The "11 'Rasslin' Tickets" might be worthwhile, but that "12-pack of Bud" is tempting...

6. The "12 Days of Christmas Spirit", also known as the drinking version. Considering the first gift is a Long Island Iced Tea, I don't think I'd make it all the way to twelve!

7. The "12 Days of Christmas, Hawaiian Style". What wouldn't I do with "9 pounds of poi"??

8. The "12 Days After Christmas". Basically, the 7 Swans are pooping everywhere, the pear tree is cut down... chaos reigns.

9. Christopher Walken's "12 Days of Christmas". Courtesy of Crack'd Magazine, this is long pontificating on each of the gifts and you can totally envision Walken going on and on and on...

10. Bob and Doug MacKenzie's "12 Days of Christmas". "That's me on the organ!"

11. The "12 Thank-you Notes of Christmas". It starts out all nice, but by gift #12 our recipient is really pissed off, the cops have been called...

12. Muppet's "12 Days of Christmas." Not really a parody, but you've gotta love the "Ba-dum-bum-bum!" after Miss Piggy's soulful "Fiiiiivvvee Goooollllldddd Riiiiinnnnggggsss!"

13. William Wegman's "Fay's 12 Days of Christmas". This is actually a video (not much parody, but funny) showing Weimaraners Fay, Chundo, Crooky and Batty getting ready for the holidays. I love the scene on Day 7 when they go sledding, "down the hill, down the steep hill--LOOK OUT!"

I'm sure there are plenty more to choose from. If you know a good one, share!!

Question of the Day:

Do you think that creativity in one area fires creativity in another, (relatively)unrelated area? And that stopping the flow of creativity to one area changes the flow to the others? And would doing this make creativity in the other areas boost or flagg?
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CLASSIC CLINCH

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Morning, all! I'm dead beat from driving for 5 hours last night and not up to my usual rude, battering ways in the romance arena. So today I thought we'd discuss the classics--those oldies but goodies, complete with all their 'taboo' subjects and utter weirdness that for whatever reason hooked us for life.

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Do you remember your first time? The thrill of the "forbidden", the rising tension, the uncontrollable passion... hey! I'm talking BOOKS here, not that other nonsense!

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Seriously, though, my first dive into romantic fiction was a book titled "Liliane" by Annabel Erwin. Late 1700's setting in Colonial America complete with a fox hunt, balls, a slave revolt, long gazes over the wine goblets, several kissing scenes(but not actual sex) and...sibling incest. Even though I knew it, I still shuddered when Lili caught Andrew & Mary in a passionate midnight embrace(ick!).

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The first 'sexy' book I read was "Captive Bride" by Johanna Lindsey. Granted, poor Philip had to basically rape Christina the first few times but, looking back on this particular story--as well as "A Pirates Love" and "Fires of Winter"--she (along with Bettina and Brenna from the other two titles) was a shrewish, uptight bitch living in denial central until they fell in love. I know, it was the way romance worked back then.

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Anyone else besides me read the Rosemary Rogers title above? Poor Steve and Ginny. They had to suffer through 3 books, multiple partners, misunderstanding after misunderstanding... it was almost like a season of "24"! I think I read the whole first one, got about halfway through the second (about to the point where Ginny gets raped by some greasy captain of the guards and still gets aroused in spite of herself--eeuww!) and just skipped around the third, impatient for it to be over with already.

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And how about the trials and pitfalls of Marietta, the governess turned indentured servant turned sex slave turned casino dealer turned renegade turned lady's companion turned... etc, etc, from "Love's Tender Fury" series? I loved Marietta, and I was especially glad when she chose Jeremy in the end of it all rather than that stuck-on-himself plantation owner dude (can't remember his name). Though, to be fair, the pirate captain was pretty cool too.

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Last for this entry, but certainly not least stands "A Rose In Winter" by the late great Kathleen Woodiwiss. People will argue forever about their favorie Woodiwiss title--my sister simply adored "Shanna" but I could not get into it, for example--but this one is mine, hands down. I can remember still the first time I read this great Beauty and Beast takeoff--and being just a teeny bit disappointed that the mysterious masked lord of the manor turned out to be Christopher after all. Oh, I liked him and everything, but I really wanted Erienne to be with mystery dude forever. He was way cooler.

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So today, dig those old titles out of the attic and share! What were your favorites?

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Happy Monday!

THIRTEEN FAVORITE HOLIDAY SPECIALS
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First off: Happy Thanksgiving, Robyn and everybody (Robyn popped by earlier, so she is honored like the goddess she is)!
Now: Yes, folks, it's time for that season to begin. Not shopping like madfolk, not drinking eggnog until you puke, not even singing carols from door to door (does anybody do this anymore?) No, it's the season for TV Christmas Specials (squee!).
Yes, I'm totally queer, and I love my Christmas Specials. Can't help it. They were staples of my childhood that have hung on into adulthood; I get way excited when they are on (even though some of them are on 24/7 now, it seems).
So, without further adieux(and with a little trivia thrown in for fun):
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1. A Charlie Brown Christmas. TRIVIA: What does Lucy Van Pelt really want for Christmas?

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2. Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer. TRIVIA: What is Herbie the Elf's preferred career?

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3. Frosty The Snowman. TRIVIA: Who narrated this cartoon classic?

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4. Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town. TRIVIA: Who is Kris Kringles main squeeze?

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5. A Year Without A Santa Claus. TRIVIA: What brothers control the weather?

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6. A Christmas Story. TRIVIA: What does Ralphie want for Christmas? (the whole description if you can remember!)

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7. It's A Wonderful Life. TRIVIA: What was Mary & George's favorite song?

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8. A Garfield Christmas. TRIVIA: Who sings the cool, jazzy songs throughout?

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9. How The Grinch Stole Christmas. TRIVIA: How many sizes did the Grinch's heart grow?

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10. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. TRIVIA: What was waiting for Clark in the Christmas tree?

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11. Home Alone. TRIVIA: When Kevin set up his fake Christmas party to fool the theives, what song was playing?

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12. The Little Drummer Boy. TRIVIA: Which animal got run over?

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13. The Muppet Christmas Carol. TRIVIA: What does Gonzo say when Rizzo the Rat asks: "Shouldn't we be worried about the kids in the audience?"

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If you can't stand the suspense and need to peek, answers are posted in comments!

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Wednesday Afternoon WTF?

So I've been ruminating on something I noticed for a couple of days, and I think I'm right.

You know those ribbons people put on their cars? The yellow ones to support the troops, the pink ones for breast cancer, etc, etc... There seems to be a color for every cause imaginable, and some folks practically wallpaper their vehicles with these thingys.

What I noticed the other day was this: out of all the colors/patterns of ribbons that are bedecking the vehicles of America, there is one you rarely, if ever, see:

Red.

This is the color that started the whole ribbons for noble causes thing, bringing awareness and support to the HIV crisis. Yet you don't see them. Why not?

Love, Terminated (Part 2)

Well, I loved those "strong scary types" from last week so much I decided to keep the love flowing and do another posting!

(Actually, I was scared if I didn't include them all they'd hunt me down and kill me...gulp)

Yes, the Magnate Terminator is baacck...

"Only I, with my superstar studmuffin pout, could pull off this shade of purple. See how this woman admires me? Admit it, you are jealous of my skills!"

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(...and again! He sure is popular!)

"With my pouty lips I am far too sexy to share the cover with a mere woman! Bow to me! Bow to me now!!!"
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"The blonde bitch didn't sign the pre-nup. So I offed her and took up with this comatose redhead, here. Give her enough Valium and she'll do anything I want."
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"You--are--in--my--power! You will do the Macarena, the Chicken Dance, and the Electric Slide at the reception!"

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And, just to be fair, let's flip that love coin over to the female side:

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Just as the blades of the scissors plunged to the hilt he gazed into her blank eyes and realized Georgia was far, far more than a mere mannequin...
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THIRTEEN "SEX SCENE" PEEVES
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We've watched, read, and perhaps written, enough of these to choke on. Some are funny, some are nasty, and some make you go WTF? Some are crucial to story development, some are just thrown in for titillation and they really don't make any difference. But whatever the reasons I feel compelled (thanks to reading Honey's post from yesterday over at Deadline Divas) to comment/snark/whatever today:
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(warning: this post is rated "L" for language)
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1. How many euphemisms are there for that proud, jutting, throbbing male shaft? Too many to list here, I'm sure--but what it comes down to is this: a cock is a cock.

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2. Speaking of throbbing, I asked Sweetheart and he says he only "throbs" when he's on the brink of orgasm, or if I (insert modest blush) am squeezing him. When it's just sticking out there, it doesn't throb.

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3. Sex descriptors guaranteed to send me into a giggling fit: Sword, pussy, love channel, piston, puckered, folds, dick... just to name a few.

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4. Sex descriptors guaranteed to make me gag: creamy, weeping, puddle, hole, "golden shower"(which, after the gag factor goes right to giggles) ... just to name a few.

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5. It always amazes me when a virgin heroine is taken by her massively-proportioned hero and manages to sit a horse without a single "ouch" the next day.

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6. Speaking of massive, are there any romances (any kind) out there where the hero is just average in his proportions? Or small?

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7. "Heaving" bosoms. I understand the meaning here, but "heave" to me means throwing. Like a bale of hay, or a baseball. Or vomiting.

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8. Breasts that are pendulous or swaying. The imagery here is just icky.

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9. Simultaneous orgasms. Perhaps you(or someone you know) is among the 1/10 of 1 percent of the population that enjoys this miracle, but personally speaking, this has never happened to me. I simply cannot relate.

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10. I think I've only read one book (to memory) where, after the heroine has her first time, she did NOT want to do it again (because of the pain/discomfort) and actively resisted it (until she got the hang of it, of course...).

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11. Has there ever been a hero who was a virgin? I certainly haven't read every romance out there, but I can't think of one.

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12. How come heroines always have small, perky nipples that instantly pucker into rock hard nubbins the instant the hero touches them?

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13. Whimpering. WTF? Puppies whimper. Babies whimper. Got it?

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Boundaries

(This post may become ranty. Don't say I didn't warn you.)

I am continually amazed on a daily basis at the upcoming generations. The oblivious natures, the sense of entitlement, the unwillingness/inability to "do it yourself", the distancing from/refusal to take on responsibility, the appalingly poor impulse control and the utter lack of boundaries in their little lives.

I notice in my job more and more children who, when they want/need something they just waltz over and take it. It doesn't matter what it is, where it is, whether it belongs to them or not. They want it, RIGHT NOW. They don't ask permission, they don't consider right or wrong, they just act. Granted, a two-year old child doesn't yet possess higher reasoning. However, a two-year old can be taught to ask, to wait, and to keep their hands to home.

I have had pre-school children walk behind our work desk (it doesn't have a gate or anything, unfortunately) and start rifling through papers, taking anything from sharp pencils to stuffed animals, yanking items down from displays, climbing on counters, banging on keyboards... and their parents just smile and shrug and say, "He/she doesn't know any better." Or they'll look at you like you're Medusa when you remove their precious darling from playing with the power strip under the desk.

This is apparent in school age kids as well. They think because they say "excuse me" that it is okay to interrupt. This drives me batshit. And they'll walk up to the service desk, reach over and behind the barrier wall and take pencils, scrap paper... No, I'm not kidding. I (nicely) reprimanded a kid one day, telling him it would be better if he asked first and he looked at me like I was from Mars. Like, "I need it NOW. I don't have time for that manners crap!"

Worse at times are parents. My supervisor was setting up a reception for a very small group that was meeting in a 9/11 memorial area in our department. She put out the punch bowl (which was covered with saran wrap, btw), stepped into another room for a cookie tray, came out and discovered a mother ladling punch into cups for her kids. Seriously, she was gone for maybe 30 seconds.

Parental supervision and control seems to have gone the way of the dinosaur. "No" now seems to mean "Yes as long as I don't see what you're doing and since I'm talking with my play-group girlfriends about breastfeeding and nannies with my back turned I probably wouldn't notice if a stranger ran off with you". Manners seem to be headed down the same path as well: "Oh, you're such a special, gifted, genius child that the rules couldn't possibly apply to you." And actual discipline, being a hard-ass when warranted, is gone because parents think they're supposed to be buddies with their kids or something.

I so don't get this. And I dread seeing these little darlings as adults: will their sense of entitlement land them a job? are they going to throw hissy fits when they don't get raises? will their lack of respect for boundaries land them in jail?

Okay, rant off.

Return of the Terminators

He came baaaack, all right, and infected a whole legion of cover models! Thanks to the lovely Robyn (all hail R! all hail R!), for pointing out these covers to me--without your timely warning, the world would soon be in romantic shambles!

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The Boss Terminator

Robyn said if this dude demanded more than a file or some coffee, she was outta there, and I must agree.


...of course, being the secretary to the Antichrist must have some perks, right? Maybe she stayed for the dental plan and couldn't help falling in love.






The Magnate Terminator


"You vill taaake dis riiing! You vill puuut it ooon! Do vhat I saaay or I crush yooouu!"

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The Millionaire Terminator

He's calculating, all right. Tax tables and year-end forecasts. He could not look any less interested in making babies with sweetie pie, here.


And for real, what is up with the gold shirt and matching tie??
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The Bow Tie Terminator



"Just sign the pre-nup, bitch!"

(aside: what's up with the glowing pen and cufflinks?)







The White Collar Executive Terminator


He's more concerned about having to wear the gold tie and hold a stupid christmas bulb than seducing his secretary (who looks about 20 years older than him, by the way...).




Happy Monday!!

THIRTEEN THANKSGIVING TIPS



I love Thanksgiving. Not only does it officially kick of the "holiday" season, but it is a day pretty much devoted to cooking and food. Nothing smells better than that turkey roasting in the oven, and nothing tastes yummier than that first succulent bite of meat, gravy, stuffing... hang on, I'm having a Homer Simpson moment (drool...).

But for some of you all out there, Thanksgiving is more to be dreaded than enjoyed for one reason or other. I understand; I've been there--I feel your pain, people! But don't despair another moment; all is NOT lost! You can get your pilgrim on like the rest of us. I am here for you. Following are some of my favorite survival tips for a lovely turkey day:
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1. Does your turkey cook up as dry as the Sahara Desert? Does the very thought of cooking a whole turkey put you into a blind panic? Don't know where to start? Good Eats' Alton Brown has the easiest turkey roasting primer in the world. Note: I don't brine my turkeys like he does; I prefer to slather herbs and butter under the skin. But I follow the rest of the instructions every time and it works perfectly every time. Trust Alton. He knows.

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2. Thanksgiving is just as much about timing as it is about kitchen skills. Lots of things can be done ahead of time (gravy base, pies, rolls, side dishes, etc.) and warmed up while the turkey is "resting" after it's done.

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3. To add to #2, give your children/guests assignments, like peeling potatoes or setting the table. It keeps them from going through your medicine cabinet, and takes some pressure off you. It's a win-win!

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4. Don't clean your kitchen floor until about 1/2 hour before your guests arrive. I don't know about you, but my kitchen floor is vinyl tile that attracts all the dirt and cat hair in the universe. So if I mop it right before everyone shows up, it looks really good for the first hour--after the first hour the booze kicks in, so who cares?

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5. To add to #3, there's absolutely no shame in asking guests to bring stuff, like appetizers or cookies or wine or something like that. Wine is especially nice. Sterling Vintner's Reserve Pinot Noir is an affordable $14 or so, goes well with food and is very drinkable. Yes, definitely tell them to bring wine.

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6. Uncork that wine early and do some quality control tasting on it. This is very important.

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7. Resist the urge to open the oven or baste the turkey. Trust Alton. Alton knows.

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8. The perfect pie begins with the perfect crust. But really, unless you're like some sort of crust conoisseur, pre-made crusts work FINE. They taste good, they're easy, and you don't have to peel them off the fricking rolling pin.

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9. There's a really easy pumpkin pie recipe on the label of Borden's Sweetened Condensed Milk. It rocks.

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10. Get real whipping cream and whip your own. Chill the bowl and beaters beforehand, and put in maybe a tablespoon of sugar per 1/2 pint and whip the crap out of it (this is astoundingly easy if you have a stand mixer--set it and forget it.). Trust me here. Homemade rocks.

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11. Save the best part of the turkey--the scallops--for yourself. No, I don't know what they are really called, but they are the medallions of meat that rest on either side of the lower part of the spine. You can strip them out with a spoon (or, if you're greedy like me, your fingers) and they will practically melt in your mouth. Son and I fight over these every time.

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12. Wear elastic/expandable waist pants. Or maybe a tent dress. Then when you're bloated like a bullfrog from too much good cheer, your belly can expand to its full potential.

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13. Expect the unexpected. Like, for example, your MIL showing up with ten store-bought pies when you just slaved over your homemade ones. It's okay. Let the guests eat the crappy store bought ones and save the good stuff for yourself. For later, after everyone's gone home.

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Happy, happy holidays, all!

ACCKKK!!! (or yack, perhaps?)

Stomach bug is running its course. Lucky me.

Back soon.
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The Princess-Eating Pumpkin

Yes, folks, here at Chateau K we don't mess around. Evil pumpkins that eat trick-or-treaters are the word of the day. I had several compliments on my artistry (blush).

And now, back to our regularly scheduled program:

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THURSDAY THIRTEEN

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Thirteen "Vintage" Items Found In Son's Halloween Candy Stash

(a.k.a., Candy You Don't See Every Day In The Checkout Line)

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1. Dum-Dums lollipops. I can remember getting these from the dentist when I was a kid after my checkup!

2. Mike and Ike's. Yummy...

3. Extra Sour Cry Baby Bubble Gum. Pass.

4. Individually wrapped Jaw Breakers. Hmm...

5. Caramel Apple Pops. Eeuww. Plus you can never get the thing unstuck from the wrapping.

6. Laffy Taffy. Ah, the memories...

7. Jolly Rancher sticks. Looks like #6 but it's hard instead of chewy. Like they pounded a regular Jolly Rancher with a mallet.

8. Sour Punch Twists. Remember 'Sour Patch Kids' and how your whole mouth would get raw if you ate too many? Think bigger and licorice-whip shaped.

9. Weird shaped gummy treats. So far I've found Frankenstein, a witch, an ear, a finger, an eyeball and some teeth. They're tangy.

10. Marshmallow candy shaped--and colored!--like a hamburger.

11. Chocolate eyeballs.

12. Sweet Tarts Packets. Anybody else remember when there were 5 or 6 in each packet? Now there's only 2!! What a rip!

13. Giant Lemonheads, individually wrapped. Why not just stuff a whole box full in your mouth instead?

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