THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AHHHH!!!

"Gads, Countess, isn't it enough you nicked my watch? Must you grab my taut, manly behind as well? Is this some kind of diversionary tactic? Bloody hell, what's that photographer doing? Good God, he's taking a picture of my taut, manly behind!"

Hi Folks! Had company this weekend (Son got confirmed--woo hoo! Yes, I cried) so I'm a little bit behind. I'll post some lovely cover snark tomorrow. Happy Monday!

THIRTEEN WAYS TO "GET PERSONAL"
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Since last week's post I've been thinking: if I do return to that murky pool called 'dating' down the road, what kind of partner would I look for? In reading the ads last week I noticed most men seemed to have written off a template--they pretty much all thought they were athletic and fit, and to a man "enjoyed long walks in the park." Oy. So here, for your enjoyment, are my responses, thoughts, suggestions, etc:
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1. Okay, "athletic and fit" means just that. You've got muscled arms and a six-pack. If your definition of "athletic" means that you played ball in high school, 20 years ago, and you think you're "fit" because you buckle your size 34 pants UNDER your beer belly, think again.
2. "Long walks in the park" for me are hikes with my dog. We go uphill, downhill, blaze new trails, sweat, get poison ivy and wet feet. It's not romantic by any stretch of the imagination.

3. You like home-cooked romantic dinners? (Awww, isn't that nice?) Who's making those dinners? You think slicing and dicing and burning myself and reeking of onions is romantic? You've probably used "the little woman" in general conversation, haven't you? Would you like me to be barefoot and pregnant too? (Where's that wine?)

4. If your idea of good conversation revolves around sports, politics, or Rush Limbaugh, do not apply. And please, don't try to talk to me about books if you don't read, or if you believe that Oprah's Book List is a hallmark of great literature.

5. I will not wear the following items: belly shirts, pants with zippers less than 4" long, shoes with heels more than 4" high, string bikinis or deep vee necks. I believe the term "underwear" means it should be concealed UNDER one's clothing. (Refill my wine glass, would you?)

6. I think sports cars make a man of a certain age look Old, Gay, and/or Desperate. Also: red, lime green, purple or yellow colored cars in general spark that same thought.

7. You want a woman who is "confident and sure of herself, who knows what she wants", do you? Do you really want to know my opinions and desires? If I tell you what I want, will I actually get it? If I cry or need a shoulder to lean on, will you hightail it outta here?

8. I am romantic. I cry over movies and at weddings and stuff like that. I like nice gestures like holding a door for me, flowers, cards, throwing yourself over a puddle so my feet won't get wet. Not only do I like them in the first blush of love, I like them two years later when we're totally used to each other and the bloom has worn off the rose, so to speak.

9. "Honest" as a word is like Silly Putty. You can stretch it and bounce it and press it on an image and get a print! Frankly, I prefer the word "Truth." I like men to tell me the truth. Even if sometimes the truth will hurt my feelings. Truth is REALLY IMPORTANT. (I truly would like some more wine.)

10. I'm not perfect. My breasts aren't quite as perky as they used to be, I have an intimate friendship with Lady Clairol and the cellulite on the backs of my thighs has reached endemic proportions. However, my personality is super, my values are sterling, my heart is made of gold and my sense of humor is still intact. Trust me, you'll need someone to talk to you over dinner in ten years when the hot chicks won't look at you anymore.

11. Every once in a while, I am going to want to talk about "intimate" stuff. You will be required to talk back. It's called a discussion. People have them.

12. I'm really not cool with you: flirting with other women in front of me, being sloppy drunk in public, or driving well over the speed limit when I'm in the car. You are a grownup, and you are accountable.

13. If you're not really a nice guy, don't say you are. I'll figure it out, you know. (And I'll need to finish off that wine. Hand it over, would you?)

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Feel free to share your "honest" opinions here! Happy day!

FINISH THE SENTENCE

"With the material witness in the safehouse..."

Have fun, and Happy Monday!

THIRTEEN SENTENCES

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1. Last night at work, while browsing personal ads for fun and giggles, I came across a listing for my Former Sweetheart.

2. Interestingly, where I once was too young for his age range, now I am just a year or two shy of too old.

3. His description section was, amazingly, the exact same one he had six years ago, word for word, right down to...

4. He's "ready for a serious, committed relationship!" (sure, okay...)

5. He portrayed himself as an open communicator too. (huh. really?)

6. His handle is, astoundingly, the exact same one as well.

7. Which implies things.

8. Like the possibility that he never, once we were supposedly "committed", removed his profile and it was active the entire time we were together.

9. Or that he deactivated it for a time then reactivated/updated it at some point.

10. These implications bring a whole new twist into the knickers.

11. The very real possibility that our entire relationship was a huge, sticky web of lies.

12. That none of what I thought we had was true or real.

13. My humiliation is complete; I can't get any lower. (But on the bright side, it's all up from here, right?)

Thanks for listening. I promise the next TT will be chatty and hilarious compared to this one.

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PS: Yes, Rhonda and anyone else who read it--I deleted yesterday's post. That was just too much and I'd prefer to forget it now. (eye rolling)

CUTE COVER GUYS

Normally I shy away from photographic-style covers on my romance; I prefer my steamy embraces and torn bodices to be artist-rendered because it gives off more of that "escape" vibe I look for (and some funny posing for my snark!). But as I was prowling eharlequin looking for more stuff to make fun of, I came across this fine specimen of a man:

Be still my heart! I actually caught my breath and said, "Ooh!" And my next immediate thought was, "What else we got here?" So I clicked to page 2 and lo and behold:

Hubba, hubba!

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Happy Monday, all.

MURPHY'S LAW

You know how things never work out quite how you thought they would?

Case in point: Former Sweetheart came over last night to drop off a couple of things I missed. I knew he was coming, of course, and as is my bent of mind I spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about The Meeting. Telling myself I had to look totally hot, hair perfect... the whole thing.

So I get home from work last night, have to get the rest of the yard raked, the leaves picked up, dirt, rocks, wind, etc. So I'm tired out from all that, I'm just getting comfy in my droopy old yoga pants and scuzzy sweatshirt, painting my toenails--and he shows up.

Yes, I resembled Bozo the clown more than a Hot Babe. It figures.

And then my brain shut down. The perfect opportunity to get a dig in, and I couldn't think of anything clever and cutting to say. I looked everywhere but at him, left the room altogether when he talked to Son about a snowboard, then cried like a baby when he left.

So much for best-laid plans and all that. But Son hugged me, so that pretty much wiped out all the bad stuff.

(Yes, I'm better this morning.)

Have a lovely weekend, all!

THIRTEEN THINGS I LOVE(D) ABOUT "STAR TREK"
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Yes, folks, all this time you've been following my blog, eagerly awaiting the next cleverly penned installment (snort) I have, all along...
...been a Star Trek fan.
Mooo--ha-ha-haaaaa!!!!!!!!
So, with your torture in mind, I present thirteen of my favorite things about that campy-great series (we're talking original blend here, not the newer stuff) and hope that that groovy theme music stays in your little heads all day:
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1. "He's dead, Jim!"

2. Those way-tight shirts, those flare-legged pants tucked into boots the guys got stuck with.

3. Uhura's red mini with go-go boots. That was the height of fashion.

4. The crappy--but cool!--special effects.

5. Phasers. Being the youngest of 5, I would have killed for one of these.

6. Mr. Spock. Those ears! Those eyebrows! That flawless logic!

7. "I can't change the laws of physics!" However, Scotty always pulled 'em through in the end.

8. Sulu and Chekov at their station. Somehow, when it was any other combination, it just wasn't as fun.

9. Communicators. All you had to do was flip them open and you were immediately connected to the exact person you wanted to talk to! Amazing!

10. Khan. Only the coolest, suavest super-villain of them all--and he read Milton to boot.

11. The Wrath of Khan. By far, the best Star Trek movie of them all. "From the pits of hell, I stab at thee!"

12. The "extra" who got killed, usually at the beginning of every episode.

13. Klingons, Vulcans and Tribbles, oh my!

Happy TT!

SETTING STANDARDS

Last night I gave the Big Morality Talk to the girls in my 8th grade PSR class. They knew what was coming, of course, because we sent letters home prior to let parents know, etc. Still they walked in horrified, thinking it was going to be "like health class". (Apparently health class is not a popular elective.)

After a rough start, getting off topic and forgetting where I was going with a point, I settled in to a decent pitch. About setting standards for yourself in love and relationships and not lowering the bar just because you're the only one home without a date/boyfriend, etc. About knowing who you are--that you're a good girl, you make smart choices, etc. About believing you are worth waiting for and worth more than a hook-up.

And without intending to I told them what happened to me in December. How I told myself that living with someone was good enough. How I discovered over time that I was worth more, worth better than what I was getting. How when I challenged him to step up to the plate the man I loved more than I've ever loved anyone, the man whom (for the last six years) I was 100% convinced was THE ONE said "I don't want to suck it up." And finally how I was resetting my standards, re-raising my bar. That I rediscovered that I still am a good girl, and I'm worth waiting for.

I went into that lesson hoping to instill a bunch of 8th grade girls with some worth. And I came out of that lesson with a renewed sense of my own worth.

Thank you, God.

HARLEQUIN'S NEW SALES FORCE

Perhaps they believe they can scare patrons into sales with these scary robotic-type heroes...

"Buy this book, or I'll hunt you down like a dog!"

"You can use my book as a bulletproof vest!"

"...no matter what angle you view this cover from. Buy me. Or else."
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Happy Monday!

SAAAAAL-UUUUTE!

Thanks to Robyn's fantastic memory, one of the coolest shows on TV--that I totally forgot about yesterday--will live on in perpetuity on StarvingWriteNow. So let's all whip off our straw hats and give a big "Saaaluuute!" to Hee Haw.

How could anyone not like the overalls, the dumb jokes, the butt-swatting fence boards--not to mention Buck Owens, Roy Clark and the Hagger Brothers? I can still sing, pretty much word for word, the skit songs they had like "Where oh where are you tonight?" and "Gloom, despair and agony on me" among others.

Thanks, Robyn. I'll spend the rest of the day happily humming and giggling over my own private little memories of a great show from my childhood.

THIRTEEN TV SHOWS I REMEMBER WELL (and counting)

Television used to be good. People didn't swear constantly, hop into bed with whoever, or kill each other on screen. I think back in "the day", there used to be a line that networks would not cross. A line that said, "TV is an escape from all the unpleasant realities of everyday. Let's make shows nice." Obviously, that line has been obliterated, and I'm not going to go on a soapbox or anything this morning. I'll just share some old shows from my "younger" days:

...from Primetime...

1. The Waltons. I can hear that theme music now.

2. Little House On The Prairie. Yes, we all wanted to be Laura, and I even had a long prairie dress for a while there.

3. The Wonderful World Of Disney. Where would Kurt Russell be without this show?

4. All In The Family. "Edith! Get me another beer, hah?"

5. The Mary Tyler Moore Show. "Who can turn the world on with a smile? Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? Well it's you girl and you should know it..." (yanked offstage with a cane)

6. Wild Kingdom. Marlin Perkins rocked! What the heck was the name of his assistant, though?

7. Good Times. Dyyy--nooo--miiiite!

8. Star Trek. I could do a whole TT about this one show. Maybe I will.

9. Happy Days. The earliest ones were best, definitely before the Fonzie "shark jumping" incident.

10. M*A*S*H*. I still watch this. Love it.

11. Barney Miller. Classic! I have a hard time ever finding it on TV though.

12. The $6M Dollar Man/Bionic Woman. Oh yes, we all wanted to have bionic parts.

13. The Brady Bunch. "Da-da-da da da DA! Here's the story, of a lovely lady..."

14. Emergency! I loved Randolph Mantooth. He's still pretty hot.

15. Wonder Woman. I still recall, with amazement, how much her body looked like my Malibu Barbie's.

16. Welcome Back Kotter. If not for Vinnie Barbarino, John Travolta might be selling insurance or something.

17. The Rockford Files. Jim Rockford and his cool Camaro were the bomb (at least it's not yellow... just sayin').

18. I Dream of Jeannie. My personal fave was always Major Healy because he was such a dork.

19. ?

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...and from afternoons, Saturday mornings, etc. I bring you a bonus TT (that may also be added to later):

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1. Fat Albert. In today's "politically correct" society, Albert probably would have joined Weight Watchers and got skinny or something.

2. Bugs Bunny. Even with the crap edited out of them for TV, these are some of the best cartoons going.

3. Land of the Lost. Dinosaurs, aliens, and cheap special effects! Jackpot!

4. The Superfriends. Gotta love heroes. A friend at my work and I own identical watches and we are the Wonder Twins. (form of: a librarian! shape of: a minivan!)

5. Almighty Isis/Shazam. Doing good while wearing a white mini and go-go boots. What more could you ask for?

6. Josie and the Pussycats. This show had absolutely no point I can recall, but I loved it.

7. Scooby-Doo. Like, wow, Scoob! A show about teens with no parents that live in a psychedelic van! Jinkies!

8. Tom & Jerry. I actually liked Droopy, and that whistling wolf the best.

9. ABC After-School Specials. I can't remember a single one, but I never missed them, either!

10. Monster Movie Matinee. This may have been a regional thing, but I included it for those of you who may remember Igor and Dr. Witty and all those bad B-grade horror flicks (like my personal fave, The Screaming Skull).

11. The Archie Show. Well, Veronica had better clothes, but Betty was nicer. Decisions, decisions...

12. Underdog. "Never fear, Underdog is here!"

13. Hong Kong Phooey. I think Scatman Crothers did the theme song--how couldn't you love it? "Hong Kong Phooey, number one super guy! Hong Kong Phooey, quicker than the human eye!"

14. George of the Jungle. "Watch out for that tree!" (crash!)

15. Laff-a-lympics. Couldn't wait for the competition between the Yogi Yahooies, The Scooby Doobies, and The Really Rottens.

16. Captain Kangaroo. I don't care what anyone says about the captain's LSD trips, I absolutely loved this show--Mr. Green Jeans, Mr. Moose, the Dancing Bear and all those pingpong balls...

Have any to add? Share!

I'VE BEEN REPLACED BY A SPORTS CAR

Yes, folks, it's true. A little yellow two-seater was parked on "my side" of the garage when I stopped by FS's today to remove the last of my items from the shed. He says it's a midlife crisis car. I say yeah, sure. You go right ahead and tell yourself that. But just remember, it won't make you younger, smarter, or longer lasting.

(was that nasty? do I care?)

Speaking of which, aside from seeing him this morning when he wasn't supposed to even be at home, life is moving ahead and, black moments aside, I'm getting on with things. I even replaced a deadbolt yesterday all by myself. I got skills, baby.

DRIVER'S LICENSE DISASTERS

I'm one of the many souls out there who has never once had a good driver's license photo. After my latest foray into the Motor Vehicle Department (this morning) I emerged with yet another lovely, glamorous print on plastic that will haunt me for the next three years.

After examining it, I came to the realization that the DMV cameras are not your typical cameras. They're more like Funhouse Deluxe Model 13X with 4.7 gazillion megapound-adding pixels and some special settings, like:

SCARED STUPID--The one with the bug eyes and the mouth hanging open because you said "What?" right when they snapped the picture.
SERIAL KILLER--The one where you tried way too hard to smile and look friendly and you turned out like the Big Bad Wolf instead.
FISHBOWL--The one where your face is distorted with big cheeks and a looong nose. This one is my current license. I just got rid of Serial Killer, so I suppose it's an improvement.
AT DEATH'S DOOR--Either the toner is off or you really are dying; those pictures that are cadaver white-skinned with dark circles at the eyes.
HUNG OVER--The one where you probably were hung over (but you'd never admit it).
TRIPPING--Eyes half-shut, head tilted, that faraway smile, hair in the face... oh yeah, been there, done that.
SUICIDAL--Like a combination of Eeyore, Charlie Brown, and a bloodhound. You couldn't possibly look any more depressed.

Have any of youall ever had a nice photo from the DMV, or have they all turned out nutty like mine?