THIRTEEN SUMMER GAMES & RIDES

I think every town has one: the fair/carnival/festival that comes around, usually sometime in July complete with parades, bands and enough cotton candy to turn you into a diabetic overnight. In my town it was called the Firemen's Field Days. It was, to my young eyes, only the coolest time of the year, when I could see my friends again and hang out before school started. A magical place full of laughter, dust, screaming kids and creepy carnies, and it wasn't a success until you played every game and rode every ride and someone eventually threw up from the excitement of it all...

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1. The Ferris Wheel. I had my first real live kiss on a ferris wheel when I was 14. His name was Jerry and he had red hair. I remember worrying more about mom & dad seeing us than anything else.

2. The Pick-Up-The-Duck Game. Hands down, the best carnival game IN THE UNIVERSE! I used to plot and scheme like crazy, mark my duck with my eyes, follow it around, pluck it from the scuzzy water... and it was always a 1 or a 2. I never won anything big.

3. The Tilt-A-Whirl. Otherwise known as the Vomit Comet. I'm nauseous just thinking about it.

4. The Super Slide. Remember these? Big, yellow, scary when you were waiting your turn at the top...

5. The Rockets. This ride was probably the most unsafe ride in the world but we went on it a bazillion times. Basically it was a stick with a car on either end that went around really fast in circles. Major thrills, baby, major.

6. The Scrambler. Almost on a par with the Tilt-A-Whirl in terms of absolute sickness. But for a brief period, around 7th grade, we all wanted to go on this one. I don't know why.

7. The Strongman Game. Conveniently located next to the beer tent, so guys could get all juiced up, start bragging and eventually stagger over to the game to prove their manhood. And inevitably, they would only "get it up" to somewhere between Mama's Boy and Limp-Wristed.

8. The Cake Wheel/Whiskey Wheel. What would a fair be without gambling? Yes, way up in podunk Mexico, NY we had a cake wheel AND a whiskey wheel. Booze and dessert--what more could you ask for?

9. The Roundup. This ride was all about centrifugal force, and remains a serious contender in the Puke Brigade.

10. The Fun House. To tell the truth, the Fun House wasn't all that fun.

11. That dumb game where you throw ping-pong balls at goldfish bowls. Yes, I wanted a goldfish. No, I never won one.

12. The Swings. I think this was my favorite ride, because I always loved--and still loved--riding on a swing. I can't pass by a swingset without trying it out.

13. The Merry-Go-Round. Of course, the ones at the field days were pretty lame, but I still have fond memories of trying to get on the "prettiest" horse and hanging on for dear life while the ride creaked and groaned and carried me around.

Time to share: what's your favorite? Have you ever ridden a ride so much you puked? And seriously, where do carnies really come from?

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THE JOY OF STRESS

Have you ever noticed that just when you don't need any more stress, you get another shovelful dumped on your pile?

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For me, today, it's a lovely tangle of work/home/Son/money/The G/school. Work: my annual performance review is coming up and naturally, being the worrier I am, I'm worried about it. Did I do okay? Do they still like me? Am I in trouble? Home: the neverending list--I want to paint something, I want a fence, I want a deck, I really need to fix my garage door, etc. Son: school's starting, supplies, football, girls, doing the right thing, will he step it up and get better grades, what about college? Money: don't even get me started on this one. The G: he's got a plate and a half worth of his own stress right now to deal with, I know this but I'm still feeling neglected, like I'm doing something wrong, I'm not getting any, blah de blah blah. School: oy! Class schedules and financial aid and trying to figure out if my bill is going to be paid in time by the feds or not and if I'll be in trouble...

Isn't stress great? Anybody got a magic wand they can wave over my head and just make it all go away?

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COVER OF THE YEAR

Well, folks, all that obsessive checking of blogs paid off big. That know-all Mecca of romance, All About Romance, released their cover contest winners for 2007 this month. Topping the list for the worst covers of the year(do you have your airline-approved sick bags handy?) was this little gem:

I've got news for the cover artist: it might be spankable, but if you think that's big, honey, you've been locked in your office waaayy to long.

Click here to see the other winners, and have a big, spankably Happy Monday!

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THIRTEEN LAZY HAZY CRAZY SUMMER THOUGHTS
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1. I love the sound of cicadas. Even cooler is finding one.

2. My Weber grill is high on my "best friend" list all summer. If I had a gas version, it'd be right up there all winter too.

3. I love my new house (youall have heard me wax on about this) but it is lacking two things: a shade tree and a hammock.

4. I love waking up with someone and listening to the world wake up. Ex: Last weekend I was with "The G". He's a notoriously early riser (we're talking 4:30 am here) and I am a notoriously light sleeper. Anyway, he gets up early--quietly, too! another plus for The G!--makes coffee, etc. and goes out to his back porch for his morning coffin nail. Of course I'm awake and after a bit I get up, get some coffee, and join him on the porch. The birds were waking up, the train went by, we talked about this and that... it was just serene and lovely.

5. Son came home Monday. Hooray!

6. My house has turned back into Grand Central Station! (I don't mind, for the most part.)

7. I am harvesting fresh vegetables from my garden. Beans, cukes and even a few tomatoes already. Yum!

8. I also have more dill and basil than I know what to do with. But it smells heavenly.

9. Every once in a while I take my orange cat, Edd, out on a leash for a stroll around the yard. He digs it despite his cantankerous-ness.

10. I love taking the dog to the park for a run. But I learned a valuable lesson this week--keep him out of the puddles and mud. Bart (aka Mr. Lovey) is in the hospital right now with some kind of virus/bacteria he picked up there that gave him some serious diarrhea. Eeuuwww!

11. Even though fall is my favorite season, I love the hundreds of different shades of green I find during summer.

12. I've rediscovered my love of bugs this summer. Fireflies, bees, spiders... they're all pretty cool.

13. Last, but definitely not least--ice cream. Okay, let's all channel our inner Homer Simpson here: "mmmm....ice creammmm...."

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Share your lazy hazy craziness here! Happy summer!

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WHEN COVER ARTISTS DRINK TOO MUCH

ARRR!!! Be that Captain Morgan under the umbrella? What's he doing in a skirt and heels, matey?

Happy Monday!

THIRTEEN YOUTUBE VIDEOS

Yes, I'm a youtube fan. It's not my fault; I totally blame Son. He's always like "Mom! Check this out!" and I have to run in and see what he's found this time. I'm not going to put up 13 videos--that would be huge!--but I'll try and link to all the pages. Enjoy!

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1. Simon's Cat: Cat Man Do. This one is my favorite but he has two others that are very cute and funny too!

2. The Lego Beer Song. Just fun silliness!

3. The Toddler Song. More silliness, but so true of this age!

4. The Dancing DUI. This guy almost pulled it off!

5. Cell Phones Popping Corn. I wonder if too much cell use will really fry your brain?

6. Rough And Ready Man. Already posted this but I love it.

7. One More Minute. Ditto.

8. Crazy Cat Videos. There's a million of them!

9. Sports Bloopers. This one is only about 10 seconds long but it cracks me up.

10. Extreme Skate. These guys thought they were cooler than the young kids. Not!

11. The Holy Hand Grenade. Loves me some Monty Python!

12. Superstition. What a blast from the past! Watch the kids whipping their heads around!

13. TV/Movie Outtakes: Mr. Bean. Always a hoot!

You know what you've got to do: Share! I want to see what you've got.

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SAME PLANET, DIFFERENT WORLDS

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She: Some nice cool lemonade will score points with the new guy.

He: I wonder how fast I can get her skirt up?

PS: Any ideas on what that red thing is right at loverboy's--ahem!--crotch?
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He: Oh yeah, got the girl, got the tent, got the fire... score one for the big guy!

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She: The ground is hard, I've got 6 million bug bites and any second now, that marshmallow's going in the fire. Boy, am I having fun. Woo, woo.

He: Hmm... wonder if I should have gotten the bigger one? After all, Mrs. Howell had a diamond as big as a doorknob, and bigger is better...
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She: Thank God the engagement is as fake as this ring.

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She: Oh yeah. Cute babies win guys over every time.
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He: I'll hold cute baby so long as I get to shag hot mommy later--hang on... I think someone just dropped a Texas-sized bomb!
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Happy Monday!
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WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS

So there I was, minding my own business...

The FS calls Thursday. He's in the hospital. With a staph infection (yes, I made a rude comment, I couldn't help it) that has gone into the bone. He's having surgery today.

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Why, you ask, did he call me--the woman he couldn't wait to get out of his life? Well...

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I'm his official contact in his medical paperwork. Oh yes, I'm the decision maker, the plug puller, whatever you want to call it. He never changed his info. Even better--he NEVER TOLD ME he put me on to begin with!!

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The exasperation here is monumental. The "I'll never get rid of him as long as I live" feeling is overwhelming, to say the least. The "Why me, God?" sensation is a thrill beyond all others, let me tell you.

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In a word, oy.

THIRTEEN WORDS/PHRASES I DISLIKE
(just call me "Dictionator")

I love words, truly. I love reading them and writing them and I may even paint some on the walls of my new house. But there are some words, or strings of words, out there that I've never cared for, or grown to dislike over the years:

1. Enough. It sets you up to inevitably fall short: Not good enough. You don't trust me enough. When you start setting terms of "enough", nothing ever is enough.

2. Should. A dictating word that always makes me feel like I don't measure up.

3. "See what I'm sayin'?" Actually, no. Unless you live in a comic strip and use speech bubbles, I cannot SEE what you are saying.

4. Mega. This isn't even a word, really, but popular culture cut it off from its big brothers and sisters and it has been drifing around ever since, latching onto advertising and giving one and all the impression that you must have/be/do/ingest/wear/possess something Mega to be cool.

5. "Have a good one!" Yes, I've used this myself. Still, every time I hear it I want to ask: Have a good what? What exactly is the one?

6. Pussy. As used to describe female genitalia. It's just so... ridiculous. And if you use it on me in bed I'll succumb to a giggling fit and totally lose the mood. And speaking of which:

7. Penis. I truly understand why men have names for their "unit". I mean, penis is such an unsavory, clinical, sterile word. Don't use this word on me in bed either. I'll probably throw up. Or break out the HazMat suit. And best of all:

8. Crotch. This has to be one of the worst sounding, worst spelled words in the universe.

9. "Let me see..." Three words guaranteed, in my mind, to spawn a lie. Thank you, FS.

10. Oozing. Gives me a serious case of the shudders. Generates too-vivid imagery.

11. "Your point being?" Obnoxious factor aside, I can't handle the grammar torture.

12. Wrong. Conversation heads quickly south after this word comes in to play.

13. Slug. Another shudder-producing word. Slippery, slimy...eeeuww!

Time to share! What tops your least-favorite list?

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GOTTA GET ME SOME STORYTIME

Isn't that picture great? Nice storytime lady sitting serenely in her chair, shoes match the shirt and complement the skirt with legs properly crossed at the ankles(no varicose veins here!), surrounded by eager and willing listeners, rapt with attention...

(SNORT!)

Time for a reality check, folks. It's 10:15 on Tuesday. Poe (my mascot/puppet pal) and I announce storytime. For a moment, the crowd is silent, looking at me like I just sprouted snakes from my head. Then it begins. Mothers yanking toddlers to their feet, toddlers shrieking because they don't want to leave the train table, and me marching Poe and myself into the storytime room like I'm the Queen Mother. (Bow to my majesty, poor subjects!)

First in are the Eager Beavers. My regulars that I know by name--they say hi and want to pet Poe and all that happy stuff. Next come the Shy Attacks. Most of these are first timers that have never been around other kids and they spend the whole time hiding their faces in mom's armpit. Then we have the Feet Draggers. Still pouting (or shrieking) because they had to--gasp!--leave the train table for a lousy storytime!

I start with stretching exercises and use The Shakers (they're like mini maracas) for fun and noise. I start out normal, but thirty seconds in I'm cranked up to about two notches below a shout--not because of the kids, but the mothers! "Yappity, yappity, yadda yadda yadda, I take him to Dr. Whatsit then my breast milk dried up and do you still go to Gymboree and we're going to Aruba next Thursday and yadda-da-dadda and on and on" It's like a class reunion or something, every single week.

On to the stories. I make some kind of introduction on the theme (today it was bugs) and I'm just launching into my first story, complete with grand gestures and appropriate voices when...

The Johnny Come Lately's show up--those folks that run in their own personal time zone and zip code. Flinging open the door, out of breath "yadda da-dadda blah de blah", totally oblivious to the fact that they're LATE and storytime has started and did I mention they're LATE???

For those of you who have not experienced the joys of storytime I'll let you in on a little secret here. Toddlers (age 2-3 1/2, more or less) get distracted easily. Like really easily. One little sideshow, like someone coming in LATE, can set the whole flock off in a new direction.

Anyway, I soldier on, reading my stories, doing my fingerplays, singing my songs and dancing my dances--rising above the mom-cacophony, kicking ass, taking names, etc. etc. , doing my utmost to provide some kind of quality experience to the kids who really want to be there--until the clock strikes 10:45 and they all rumble out like a herd of elephants, strollers and all.

And I collapse in my chair, looking surprisingly like this:

God, I love my job.

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STRIKE A POSE

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I realize in this digital age that novel covers are pretty much pose, snap and off to Corel or Paintshop. But just for fun, let's spin these covers back to the time period they represent. No cameras, just a hired painter, an easel and our hero & heroine:

Painter: Okay, Jack, you bend your head a little closer to Jill--

Jack: Do I have to? Her breath stinks!

Jill: It's not my fault! As soon as I get paid Friday, I'm having that rotten tooth yanked out at the barbershop.

Painter: Oh, no, young lady, you keep all your teeth until I'm done painting them!

Jack: I have the biggest kink in my back right now.

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Jill: Yeah? Well my neck's killing me, and this heather is no feather mattress.

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Painter: You two stop talking! I need you to be absolutely still! Jack, lean closer!

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Jack: Okay--hang on, whoa, wait--I'm fall--

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SPLAT!

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Jill: Get. Off. Me.

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Happy Monday!

THIRTEEN GREAT CINEMA KISSES
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Okay, so I'm still stuck on kissing. I can't help it. I got a surprise kiss at my work yesterday morning (thanks, G!) and I'm sorta gaga right now.

I've seen a lot of kissing onscreen--some great, some...not so great. I've posted a few of my faves; enjoy!
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1. Scarlett O'Hara and Rhett Butler by the carriage. He's leaving, she's pissed off, he kisses her like there's no tomorrow--and she slaps his face and says she hopes a cannonball lands right on him! Classic!
2. From Here To Eternity. Okay, Deb and Burt probably got a lot of sand in their nether parts, but baby, that was one romantic kiss!
3. George Bailey and Mary Hatch on the phone. Poor chump Sam Wainright is yapping away about the "chance of a lifetime!" then George loses his cool and "Oh, Mary!" and Mary's all "George, George, George!" Corny, but wonderful.
4. Ronnie and Loretta from Moonstruck. When he flips the table out of the way so he can grab his girl my heart flips. Every time.
5. Humphrey Bogart. He's never been my idea of a sex symbol, but whether he was paired with Ingrid or Lauren or who, he made those kisses memorable.
6. Lady and the Tramp. Come on, who wouldn't want to be kissed over spaghetti?
7. John Wayne. He's such an alpha guy, so take-charge manhandle type that any kiss he ever does is forceful and hard and... ooh, be still my heart.
8. Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves in The Lake House. The movie itself wasn't amazing or anything, but then they finally met at the house and he didn't even give her a chance to speak, just grabbed her and dove right in--wow!
9. Bugs Bunny and the Tasmanian Devil. The one where Bugs, dressed up like a lady devil with a giant bear trap in his mouth for "teeth" kisses Tazzie and SNAP!!!
10. To Catch A Thief. Grace and Cary are watching fireworks from her hotel suite. Clever photography inserts firework clips in between them getting closer, closer...
11. Westley and Buttercup. "Is this a kissing book? I hate kissing books." But by the end the kid lets Grampa read one kissing scene.
12. Adrian and Rocky's first kiss. Sweet, hesitant, then whoosh! Passion on the floor!
13. A Room With A View. Lucy Honeychurch was so innocent until George Emerson came along... Nothing like a field of flowers in Italy to get your blood hot. It would work for me--if I ever went to Italy that is...

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Your turn to share! And may you feel "fireworks" every time you kiss. Happy 4th!

PARENTS

Anyone besides me ever worry about turning into their parents?

I went for a visit last weekend. Overall it was nice; got to see relatives, eat alot, etc. etc. But inevitably, things were said:

Mom: I liked your hair short better.

and

Dad: You're getting stoop shouldered!

Understand that mom has always been a short-hair kind of person and she has hounded me for 20 years that I need to "get a haircut that befits your age, dear." This comment was totally expected and I simply told her I like longer better.

Now, dad is known for the zingers. He tells things like they are and doesn't care if he hurts your feelings or not. Most times this is beneficial. It's also paranoia-inducing. Despite my sisters and brother telling me I look just fine, I've been checking my posture fanatically ever since.

And telling myself, over and over, that I won't turn out just like them. I won't I won't I won't.