StarvingWriteNow

2009-04-03T12:32:00.001-05:00

MOVING

Okay, you thought it would never happen, but... the blog is on the move. I discovered the glories of WordPress and am in the midst of signing up/transferring, etc... officially my blog address will be starvingwritenow.wordpress.com ( I think). Will keep you all posted.

Thanks, and sayonara, Blogger!

2009-04-02T06:04:00.002-05:00

MIDLIFE CRISIS BLOG

Not sure what's up over here, but I'm just not blogging. Trying to think of some new format to try, more fun things to write, etc... I need more here, and I'm not sure what or where or how to get it. Not even sure what I want except for blogging to excite me again. Dear, dear, dear...

Hmm... maybe I'll just buy a Corvette. It works for guys, right?

2009-03-23T04:55:00.002-05:00

CLASSIC ROMANCE (OR SOMETHING LIKE IT)

"Was she a bewitching beauty, or a plaything to a warriors passion?"

Based on that big red stripe on her neck, I'd say she's just plain dead. What is that??

And, just 'cause I can... either warrior dude's head is too small or his arm is too big. Hmm...

Happy Monday!

2009-03-19T06:51:00.000-05:00

SICK DAY

Feel crappy. Can't blog. But I'll be back....

2009-03-16T06:59:00.002-05:00

RETURN OF THE MOOBIES

Now, I like a man in a kilt, and I confess to wanting a peek under those yards and yards of cloth to see if those rumors are true. But this poor soul either hasn't been doing his pectoral workouts, or his cover artist went on a bender with a bunch of senior citizen strippers and finished the chest part while nursing a killer hangover and having flashbacks to the weekend.

Speaking of weekends I had a lovely one. My birthday was divine. Happy Monday!

2009-03-13T05:46:00.001-05:00

BECAUSE WE ALL NEED A LITTLE AUSTEN

Thanks to Deanna I came across this nifty little quiz. Huzzah--I get to be my favorite heroine! Which one are you?

Take the Quiz here!

2009-03-12T05:57:00.002-05:00

THIRTEEN RAMBLING BIRTHDAY THOUGHTS

Yes, it's happening again this weekend. I will--gasp!--be another year older. But I will also be:

1. Another year wiser. (snort!)
2. One full year in my house. (Huzzah!)
3. More beautiful. ( I age like that fine red wine, you know.)

The last year has had hardships, like:

4. The whole FS thing.
5. Money woes.
6. Son breaking his leg.

But there were also blessings, like:

7. I got accepted to Grad school.
8. Son and I were happy (mostly) and healthy (mostly).
9. I started dating a really wonderful man.

So when I hit 42 on Saturday, what will I wish for?

10. Continued health, happiness, good looks (snort!) and sanity.
11. Increased skill with juggling jobs, family, relationship and school.
12. All the love I can hold, and
13. Swiss Fudge Cookies from Stella d'Oro.

(Kudos to any of you who remember that commercial!)

What wishes for your birthdays will you have this year?

2009-03-09T04:27:00.002-05:00

MAN OF THE MONTH

"Uuuuuppp next we have Mr. March! Tall, dark and scary as hell! Yes, he may have apprenticed with Satan and there are some disturbing rumors about midnight sacrifices, but look at the size of his trophy, girls! Don't let this one get away!

Happy Monday!

2009-03-05T06:25:00.003-05:00

THIRTEEN THINGS I DO TO RELAX

Believe it or not, when I'm not out saving the world from ruthless villains (snort!) or helping small children find books in the library stacks or going to school or my other job or cooking or cleaning house or doing laundry or saving baby kittens from high tree branches (double snort!) I manage to squeeze in relaxing time. I know, I know... I could use that time to compose better blog posts, right?

1. With very few exceptions, Friday night is "do-nothing" night. Son and I eat junk food, I drink a couple of beers and the TV is on something truly edifying like "Ghost Adventures" or "What Not To Wear."

2. I do needlework. Small projects are best because there's actually a possibility I will finish them.

3. Every once in a great while, I fill up the tub and take a bubble bath. I don't think I've done this since I moved here, though (must remedy that soon).

4. I snuggle with my man. (sigh... he is awesome.)

5. I walk the dog. Yes, exercise. I can't believe it either.

6. I watch movies I've seen a million times. There's something relaxing about knowing what's going to happen, not having to pay strict attention because you'll miss something, etc.

7. I virtual shop. I'll go on a website I like, or leaf through one of the catalogs I regularly get and mark off all the stuff I would buy if funds were unlimited.

8. I play with my kitties. Then I'll throw catnip down, get them all stoned-up and giggle while they "fight" with each other.

9. I read. (Of course.) Since I've started school unfortunately my reading tends to be textbooks, but I still manage to sneak in a good mystery or something here and there.

10. I put jigsaw puzzles together. I wish I had more time for this, because I love doing it.

11. I do the Sunday crossword (the Merl Reagle one, not the NYT one--please!). Two times, I am proud to say, I completed the entire thing.

12. I garden in summer. Pulling weeds can be very soothing.

13. I sit in a lawnchair in the sun and just "be." It's lovely.

What relaxes you?

2009-03-02T08:31:00.002-05:00

...JUST...CAN'T...MAKE IT...

"Sorry, Loretta... I know I'm supposed to be your hero and all, but my union contract forbids lifting anything over 50 pounds. You'll just have to crawl the rest of the way."

Happy Monday!

2009-02-26T06:26:00.002-05:00

THIRTEEN ALTERNATIVE PARENTAL BUMPER STICKERS

You've seen them decorating minivan bumpers everywhere: "My child is a Straight-A/Model Citizen/Honor Student at Such-and-Such School." If you've been blessed with one of these stickers, good for you (and your kid)! If, like me, you have not, then here are some alternatives to consider:

1. My Child Gets C's And That's Okay By Me
2. My Child Is Not In Juvie This Month!
3. My Average Student Can Beat Up Your Honor Student
4. Proud Parent Of An Underachiever
5. I Never Made The Honor Roll Either And I Turned Out Just Fine
6. (For a kid's bike/car) My Mom Has A 4.0 In Grad School
7. Proud Parent Of A Really Nice Kid
8. My Average Student Did Not Get Arrested Like Your Honor Student Did Last Weekend
9. C's Get Degrees
10. Proud Mother Of A Kid Who Does Dishes And Takes Out The Trash
11. Proud Mother Of A Kid Who Doesn't Mind Being Seen In Public With His Family
12. My Average Student Gets Straight A's In Common Sense
13. Proud Parent Of A Well-Mannered & Respectful Child

What would your "Proud Parent" bumper sticker say?

2009-02-23T05:40:00.003-05:00

ATTACK OF THE MOOBIES

(Fine Print)"He had but to raise a brow and all acceded to his wishes..."

Mr. Lord of the Keep: "I DEMAND GOLD ON MY COVER! LOTS OF IT! DO YOU NOT SEE ME RAISING MY BROW??? MORE GOLD TRIM! MORE! AND YOU! YES, YOU, VARLET! PROCURE ME A PLAYTEX BRA! I AM IN DESPERATE NEED OF 18 HOURS OF CRISS-CROSS SUPPORT!"

Happy Monday!

2009-02-19T09:27:00.002-05:00

THIRTEEN SPRINGY THOUGHTS

I was going to write about some things happening in the world that are upsetting me, but I need to do a little more research before I make any statements. So, in lieu of civil disobedience I present (as snow is still falling outside my windows today) some thoughts of Spring. Yes, it is coming, folks. Never fear.

1. The smell of Spring. Earthy and sweet and warm.
2. Birds returning to the neighborhood. I especially love to hear robins.
3. The sun comes earlier and stays later.
4. Cleaning my yard--I'm actually looking forward to this, even though I cringe at the amount of dog poop that has been hidden under the snow all this time.
5. Opening my windows and getting a warm breeze.
6. The first bulbs peeking up from the soil. Pretty purple crocuses (if the squirrels haven't eaten them all!
7. Spring rain.
8. The first sound of lawn mowing--hmm... who will get theirs out first?
9. Digging in the dirt. Planting.
10. Easter. The services, the cute dresses on little girls, the candy...
11. When the trees start blooming and entire neighborhoods turn pink and yellow and white.
12. Putting on a pair of shorts. (And blinding everyone in a 5-mile radius with my fish-white legs.)
13. Daily grilling out. Okay, at least on weekends. Fire up the barbie and get my recommended daily allowance of carcinogens from that tasty char. Mmmm...

What springy thoughts, if any, are you having today?

2009-02-16T12:27:00.001-05:00

SERIOUSLY, WTF?

Note to HQN: There's a line between a cute chubby baby and one whose cheeks are about to explode. Poor kid looks like she's holding two giant wads of gum in her cheeks. Or she's about to yak all over hero's shirt.

2009-02-12T07:40:00.003-05:00

THIRTEEN ROADS TO ROMANCE

Take note, fellas. We ladies truly aren't hard to please, and there are many little things you can do to make our hearts melt every day of the year besides Valentine's Day. And most (if not all) of these suggestions do not involve opening your wallets:

1. Hold open a door for us. This is especially effective when you hold the door and let us walk through ahead of you.
2. Help us on with our coats. Every now and then. It just feels nice.
3. Talk nice about us to other people when we're not around. It will get back to us and we'll feel especially loved.
4. Suffer through a chick-flick every once in a while. It won't kill you, and you don't have to tell your friends.
5. Leave us a love note somewhere. Sure, we might wonder aloud what you're up to, but inside we're all like "isn't he the sweetest thing?".
6. If we're coming home late, turn the outside lights on for us.
7. Even better, greet us at the door. Take our coat/purse/groceries/whatever. I don't know about the rest of youall, but it thrills me when someone helps me unload groceries.
8. Kiss us in public. Yes, right in front of your friends and families. No, it doesn't have to be a full-on mauling with tongue, just nice kissing.
9. Snuggle after sex. We understand that as soon as you're done, you're done. But just give us a minute or five. Trust us, we love that stuff.
10. Say "I love you" first. Does it really matter who says it, so long as it gets said? No, but we like it when you go first sometimes.
11. Greeting cards are cheap, easy to come by, and make us feel special. Buy some.
12. Try and remember stuff. Like birthdays, for example. Write it down if you have to.
13. Be courteous/kind to our families, even if you don't like them.

Any other suggestions? Share in comments!

2009-02-09T05:37:00.003-05:00

WHAT A SCOUNDREL WANTS

Let me guess. He wants... umm... the top of his head back?
World peace?
Or maybe just his right nipple repainted?

Happy Monday!

2009-02-05T22:27:00.006-05:00

HUMANS IN FLIGHT

This video clip is unreal. Amazing. Mind-boggling.

My mouth is still hanging open. Seriously.

2009-02-05T07:28:00.001-05:00

Yep, she did it again. forgot her thursday thirteen.

Feel free to roll your eyes and such.

I'll be back next week--same bat time, same bat channel.

2009-02-02T05:35:00.004-05:00

MAN OF THE MONTH: FEBRUARY

I know, I know--having the dubious title of "Mr. Strictly Business" (which translates roughly to "no fun in the sack for you, girlie") could make Mr. February a tough sell. But he comes with his own briefcase and solid gold tie! And a reeeaaallllly square jaw! That's got to be worth something! Place your bets, ladies!

And have a happy Monday!

2009-01-29T11:14:00.002-05:00

THIRTEEN RANDOM FIRSTS ABOUT ME

I know, you're supposed to tag people and all that, but I just don't feel like pasting all those URL's. Play along and speak your randomness on your blog, or in my comments, if you like. If you don't, you will lose your favorite book, your dog will throw up on the oriental rug and other reeeaaallly bad chain-letter curses like that. You've been warned.

1. My first favorite song was "Rikki Don't Lose That Number" by Steely Dan.
2. My first official boyfriend was in 7th grade. His name was Allen and we never kissed once.
3. My first real memory is being in our barn and calling one of my sisters a liar. I got spanked.
4. The first movie I ever saw in theatre was "The Call of the Wild."
5. The first book I remember receiving was "Frederick" by Leo Lionni. I still have it.
6. The first internal-combustion vehicle I ever drove was a tractor.
7. My first best friend's name was Shannon. She was in my kindergarten class.
8. The first mixed drink I ever ordered in a bar was a Harvey Wallbanger.
9. The first "F" grade I ever got was in first grade. (Horrors!)
10. My first car was a Ford Escort. It was a lemon.
11. My first vacation I took on my own was to Egypt. Awesome. Period.
12. My first doll was a Lazy Daisy. You sit her up, and after a few minutes she falls over like she's "sleeping". That was all she did.
13. My first romance novel I ever read was "Captive Bride" by Johanna Lindsey. Oh yes, I was a Lindseyfan for years.

Have a lovely, curse-free day!

2009-01-26T12:07:00.001-05:00

JUDGING A BOOK BY ITS TITLE

Yawn.

Happy Monday!

2009-01-22T06:23:00.003-05:00

THIRTEEN THINGS I LEARNED IN 2008

Yes, believe it or not I did learn a few things last year. And considering where I was, emotionally, physically, etc... I am miles ahead this year, and it is only looking up from here. Thanks to Missie for this fun idea!

I've learned that:

1. Crushing heartbreak really does heal in time, and the pain fades in time as well.
2. Buying my own house was not some far-off dream. It happened.
3. My son is a rock of support and love, even in his "too cool" teen years.
4. One carrier is not the best solution for two cats.
5. Moving men can make you simultaneously sprout a hundred gray hairs and laugh so hard you nearly pee your pants.
6. I can go back to school. I can still learn.
7. Riding my bike to work (in decent weather) is not only easy, but takes LESS time than driving my car.
8. I am still attractive, sexy and reasonably cool.
9. Exes are like boomerangs: you throw them away and they come back (for various reasons) to mess with you again.
10. Paying all the bills myself really sucks. But I'm doing it, and I'm okay.
11. Some people can suck it up, and some can't.
12. Good friends and family are worth their weight in gold.
13. I still believe in love. And have found love again.

What did you learn last year? Anything cool? Any lessons I need to learn as well? Share!

2009-01-20T19:00:00.002-05:00

STRANDED ON BLOGGER ISLAND

Anyone else having issues with Blogger today besides me? Everything WAS going along just fine, and then today my blog links in my sidebar aren't linking right. I click them and a weird new screen comes up headed by Blogger (bless their pea-pickin' hearts) who are telling me I have to subscribe to a feed. WTF? I already did that (I think)! Either way, it's all a kerfluffle and I'm highly annoyed. I'll give it a couple of days to work itself out, but will indulge in dramatic sighs and excessive eye-rolling while I wait.

Arrgh!

2009-01-19T07:00:00.001-05:00

WHY IS THIS A QUESTION?

Pregnant on the Upper East side?

As opposed to, say, knocked up on the Lower West side?

Or maybe a bun in the oven in Brooklyn?

I dunno. Help me out here!!

Happy Monday!

2009-01-16T07:00:00.000-05:00

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm a

Romantic Self-Improving Believer

2009-01-15T07:00:00.002-05:00

THIRTEEN IMAGES THAT PLEASE ME

I don't think I need a Thursday Thirteen header graphic for this post; the images themselves are more than enough. I love looking at art. I may not understand it, but so much of it pleases me.

Tree of Life, Gustav Klimt
(one of my absolute favorites... especially "fulfillment", which is the right panel with the couple hugging. very affecting.)

Starry Night, Vincent Van Gogh
(the first painting I can remember truly liking.)

Spanish Couple, Pablo Picasso
(my sister has a print of this that I covet. such bold colors.)

Sunflowers, Vincent Van Gogh
(like sunflowers, like van gogh... it's a no brainer.)

The Oath of the Horatii, Jacques Louis David
(this is the first painting I had to learn for art history. when I went to the Louvre in 1987, this painting was in the same hallway as the Mona Lisa. My entire class was jockeying for position to see that daVinci and I'm down on the other end pointing and yelling, "HOLY SHIT! IT'S THE OATH OF THE HORATII!"

Sunday Afternoon at La Grande Jatte, George Seurat
(anyone who can paint an entire picture of dots gets my vote.)

Target With Plaster Casts, Jasper Johns
(the major giggle-factor here is that one of the plaster casts is a penis. okay, I officially have said "penis" on StarvingWriteNow.)

Chat Noir Poster, Theophile Alexandre Steinlen
(I like black kitties.)

Japanese Bridge, Claude Monet
(pretty and soothing. one day when my backyard grows up, I want it to look like this. okay, like one tiny corner of this.)

Almond Blossoms, Vincent Van Gogh
(again, love van gogh. this one just makes me start daydreaming.)

The Scream, Edvard Munch
(does anyone out there know whether or not this has been recovered? it was stolen about 3 years ago and I never heard if they found it or not.)

The Bath, Mary Cassatt
(we had an art auction game called "Masterpiece" when I was a kid. I swear, this painting wound up being the $1,000,000 one over and over.)

Luncheon of the Boating Party, Pierre Auguste Renoir
(everyone seems to be looking at someone else in this picture instead of who they are presumably with. it's just neat. and I keep waiting for old Toto to bite that lady.)

What images please you? Share in comments!

2009-01-14T06:16:00.002-05:00

20 QUESTIONS (no, not really...)

Believe it or not folks, after a looooonnng sabbatical, my fingers are getting the itch to return to writing once again. (okay, youall can pick yourselves up off the floor now.) No, I won't be cranking out the next Great American Novel any time soon, but I will be pecking away at those thoughts on the back burner and blogging about it once or twice a week right here at StarvingWriteNow.

In thinking about writing, naturally I thought about reading as well, and some questions came to mind. I shall share what I think and encourage you to do the same here in comments or on your own blogs. I stole some of them (and this idea, to be honest) from Deanna, who is answering reader questions on her blog this week. If you have a hot one, stop by her blog and check it out! She writes lovely posts (and awesome books!) and often has cool links to share as well.

On to the questions:

1. What is your least favorite book that has been called a classic?

(Probably anything by James Fenimore Cooper. Sure, "Last of the Mohicans" was a fun movie, but a major snooze in print.)

2. What (if any) book you "had to" read in high school/college that you disliked have you since reread and discovered you liked/loved?

(I have two: "The Grapes of Wrath" and "Moby Dick.")

3. If you are an Austen reader, who is your favorite hero?

(Darcy is an obvious choice, of course, but I like Captain Wentworth from "Persuasion" the best. His love letter to Anne... sigh!)

4. If you could claim one book by another author as your own, whose would it be?

("Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand. It's just an amazing read, and considering the political/economic climate today, very significant.)

5. If you are currently writing, is there an author whose storytelling style you admire/emulate?

(I've always liked Ernest Hemingway. He could do run-on sentences like nobody's business!)

6. What's the biggest (page-wise) book you've ever read?

(Probably "War and Peace" though I've plowed my way through other monsters like "Gone With The Wind", "The Count of Monte Cristo" and "The Fountainhead.")

7. If you had to think up a creative writing "assignment" for a class, what would you have them write about?

(Probably my standard question: "What if your ears were where your eyes are and your eyes were where your ears are?)

Happy day! Keep warm, and have fun!

2009-01-12T05:41:00.003-05:00

CALENDAR BOYS

(...yeah, yeah, my heart's fulla joy,
I love I love I love my little calendar boy
Every day (every day!)
Every day (every day!)
Of the year!!)

Yes, the mighty HQ has done it again: come up with a new series titled "Man of the Month."

And our first contestant is: Mr. January! He's an officer, a millionaire, and he flexes his bicep when he salutes! He'll seduce you, bring you flowers, and iron a perfect crease in every last pair of dress pants you own! What am I bid, ladies?

Happy Monday!

2009-01-08T09:53:00.002-05:00

THIRTEEN NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS I WON'T BE MAKING

Of course, of course, I have made some actual resolutions. Like, to be nicer to people, and to stop forgetting that my dog is outside after I let him out only to remember 20 minutes later and he's down the street in the neighbor's garbage (I already broke this one last night--just hand me that "Bad Pet Mother of the Year" award right now, thanks...). But the following is a list of resolutions that I won't be making, for obvious reasons:

I WILL HEREBY NOT RESOLVE TO:

1. Grow a beard.
2. Learn a new sport, like kayaking or spelunking, for example.
3. Install another tub surround (see prior posts).
4. Multitask. I've found that one task at a time suits me much better.
5. Buy a giant, space-age plasma-coated television set that needs HD upgrades and only plays Blu-Ray discs and takes up half my living room.
6. Make my entire back yard into a garden the whole neighborhood will envy (I'd like to do this, but the years have given me--thank God!--some practicality as well as beauty{snort!}.)
7. Drink more.
8. Exercise less.
9. Eat like I'm sitting on death row every night.
10. Set goals that will make me feel guilty every day.
11. Return to single-alone-hood. I'm very happily un-single again and I intend to stay that way.
12. Sacrifice all my free time for others.
13. Bust my ass for no appreciation/reward (don't get me wrong here, I'm a nice person. Really. But I have the unfortunate habit of wanting to help out everyone and slaving away at projects that give literally nothing in return but heartache, stress and/or financial difficulty--no can do no more, too bad, so sad...).

What resolutions will you not be making? Share in comments!

2009-01-05T05:46:00.003-05:00

THE BATHROOM SAGA, PART 2

Yes, I know, you've been all on tenterhooks, wondering what happened, whether we fixed that hole, stopped the leaks, saved the helpless kitten in the treetop...

(Hang on, that's another story...)

Anyhow, I climbed into the attic and discovered a 2-foot by 6-foot long section of wall just missing. Like they forgot or something. It was crazy! We got some heavy plywood and screwed it into place, then got some of that "Great Stuff" expanding foam insulation. Which is pretty neat if you've ever used it--even more still when the little nozzle thingy comes off in your hand and you get a giant blob right on your nice clean t-shirt (my Friend was not pleased when this happened to him, let me tell you) or in my case, when the "Stuff" works its way through your rubber glove and stains your hands for a week. Oh yeah. I was lookin' GOOD at work after that!!

Once that was done, we test fitted the long wall of the tub surround--a real, sincere bitch of a project since my tub is inside a lovely, historic looking arched recess. Can anyone say tricky? And can I tell you we test-fitted that fucker about six times before we finally screwed it in?

Moving right along, we hit a wall. As in waiting for the new faucet thingy to come. And we waited. First it was going to come on Jan. 2. Then it was going to come Jan. 4. Then it actually showed up on Jan. 2. You'd think someone at the local tracking service actually knew where this box was, wouldn't you? Oy! Anyhow the faucets were lovely, we oohed and ahhed over them properly, Friend learned an entirely new skill of mating PVC plumbing with brass fixtures, then we faced the big challenge:

Cutting the holes for the damn things.

Anyone ever cut fiberglass? Can I tell you that with the Roto-Zip thingy we were using, all this fine fiberglass dust flew around, settled on our arms and ITCHED like crazy the rest of the day? But let me take a moment right here to jump up and say "Huzzah!" to Friend for being a MASTER Roto-Zipper Cutter Guy Who Bored Lovely Holes In The Fiberglass That The Faucets Fit Into. He rocks. I adore him.

So we fitted the wall, fitted the last wall on the opposite side, oohed and ahhed some more, attached the lovely new faucet fixtures and tested the water.

Nothing leaked. I am not kidding. (insert happy dancing here)

There is still cleanup and finishing to do, but the worst is over. I have a lovely new mildew-free tub surround in place and it looks lovely. Hooray! Huzzah! Three cheers and a tiger for me (and Friend)! Let the wild rumpus start!

And yes, faithful fans (all 2 or 3 of you) I haven't forgotten the romance covers. I'm stockpiling more lovely specimens for your examination, so keep checking back!

Happy Monday!

2008-12-29T12:10:00.003-05:00

(What's this? Monday without a romance cover? Holy F***!!)

THE BATHROOM SAGA, Part 1

Remember when I bought my wonderful home back in March? How I waxed on and on about the beautiful bathroom with the pink and black retro tiles everywhere?

Me doth waxed too much, Horatio.

Not long after I moved in, those pretty pink tiles started spontaneously jumping off the walls. I discovered they were actually stick-on bakelite/plastic tiles rather than real tiles, which was a disappointment (but really, if I'd looked a little harder I could have guessed in a heartbeat--duh!!) but they restuck on with a little caulk/sealant applied. No biggie.

So I thought.

This fall, a tile popped off on the long wall of the tub/shower. Behind it was black wet mildew and--even better!--crumbling sheetrock. I stuck the tile back on as well as I could and started to think. What to do? Replace the wall? Cut and patch? Buy a tub surround? Any option I looked at was expensive, time consuming and would leave me without a working shower for days. Joy and rapture untold, folks.

(But wait! There's more!)

I consulted my Friend (he asked that I not blog about him so if you ever meet him put on a sweet smile and lie your head off, please) in the beginning of December, after I had removed about two dozen tiles and discovered the extent of the damage. He said, you're going to have to take the wall out. Nice Friend that he is (and handy, too!) he offered to help. We made a plan, did some shopping around and finally purchased a lovely three-panel tub surround the day after Christmas. Then he started tearing down the wall on Saturday morning when I went to work.

Early Saturday afternoon I get a phone call:

He: "Honey? I can see into the attic."
Me: "What?"
He: "The wall doesn't go all the way up and I can see into the attic now."
Me: "#^@*&%*&%^!!!!!"

To be continued...

2008-12-25T07:00:00.003-05:00

THIRTEEN AWESOME CHRISTMAS GIFTS I NEVER GOT

1. A dollhouse. You know, the type you have to put together and paint and carpet and furnish all on your own. Always wanted one of these.
2. Barbie's Townhouse. The pink and white three-level beauty with the elevator.
3. An Easy Bake Oven. Dessert any time. Who wouldn't want that?
4. A Hot Wheels Garage. I played with my hot wheels around the roots of a tree in our front yard and made houses out of bark instead.
5. A cowboy holster with real live cap guns. I lived without it... and got one for my son.
6. The "Charlie's Angels" dolls wardrobe. Had the dolls, didn't have the pocket money for clothes and had to make them myself. And the dolls were only 8 inches tall, so they were too short for most Barbie stuff.
7. A magic set. The only thing I ever got was a deck of trick cards. After one trick, they all turned to the three of spades and wouldn't turn back. It sucked!
8. A pair of platform heels. Yeah, baby! I would have been the queen! Alas, it never happened--and probably a good thing considering my ankles!
9. Malibu Skipper. Skipper was cool. Skipper was a kid like me! Skipper never made it into my stocking, though. Just Barbie and Ken and P.J. and a couple of off-brand ones that didn't have bendy legs or swivel necks.
10. Real Barbie clothes. Again, had to make them myself. Sure, I learned a skill, but I was no seamstress! Barbie and her friends looked pretty sad.
11. A romance novel. All those years of reading them and I never received one.
12. Barbie's motor home. I got Barbie's Beach Bus instead. Then one summer night I left it outside and the next day it was full of those little roachy-looking bugs.
13. A bike with a banana seat and fringe on the handlebars. I wanted to be cool SO BAD. It still hasn't happened, unfortunately.

What awesome gift have you never received? Share!

2008-12-22T07:35:00.002-05:00

IT'S LIKE I ALWAYS SAY...

There's nothing like a murdered snowman to spice up a holiday cover. Especially when your story is set in North Carolina. Okay, sure, they could be up in the mountains of North Carolina, if there are any mountains, or there could have been a freak blizzard in the low country. You never know. (aside: the cover is, North Carolina aside, pretty darn cute. I may have to look this title up at work today and check it out, just for the sake of the cover.)

Happy Monday, y'all!

2008-12-18T06:48:00.004-05:00

THIRTEEN HOLIDAY GET-TOGETHER TIPS

These little gems were for the most part stolen from an email I got from a best friend last year. Please read and reread till you've got a handle on this. Feel free to print it, link to it, embellish it, post on the fridge and even carry a copy in your car.

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy . Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. It's perfectly okay to make a second trip to the buffet table. Even a third if you really like a particular item. Consider it doing your part to minimize cleanup for your hosts. After all, the less food they have to clean up, the sooner they can get to bed afterwards!

11. Remember that certain foods are perishable. Like, say, shrimp cocktail, oysters rockefeller and lobster bisque. Do your holiday duty by eating as many perishables as possible before they go bad. Trust me, your hosts will thank you.

12. Consider an elastic waistband this year. It allows for expansion while maintaining comfort. And, it can be covered up by that festive holiday sweater!

13. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over--but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Any other party tips you'd like to share? Post 'em in comments!

2008-12-15T06:45:00.005-05:00

HOLIDAY SNARK TRIFECTA

Yes, folks, it's the moment you've been waiting for: Missie, Robyn and I have teamed up to spread some Christmas cheer! Be sure to click the links and visit their blogs, comment like crazy, and have some eggnog while you're at it!

HAVE YOURSELF A STEAMY LITTLE CHRISTMAS

Yule Be Mine

Beth: Somebody call Dr. 90210! Her breast deflated!

(And… I could be wrong here, but is she hovering? Is any part of her posterior touching the floor?)

Robyn: All I can think is that those jeans are going to chafe, and that rug is going to catch fire.

Missie: Alternate Title: Say You'll Be My Cliche

Come Toy With Me

Beth: Messy Military Man and Flasher Girl Get It On In Front Of The Kiddies. Euww!

Robyn: I don’t think that’s what they mean by display windows.

Missie: Because if anything sparks romance, it's standing in front of a freaking TOY display in a STORE WINDOW out in PUBLIC where other people CAN SEE YOU. Morons.

No Peeking

Beth: “Sex For Beginners”? Hate to tell you, but she looks like an “expert”, if you know what I mean. Keep an eye on your wallet, kid.

Robyn: Why is he so happy to look at himself? And is she trying to get his attention or wanting him to try that on? Sex for beginners? More like sex for dummies.

Missie: Looking for that perfect gift for the guy who has everything? How about a gift certificate to Harlots R Us?

Thanks to Missie and Robyn for all the fun! Happy Monday!

2008-12-11T09:24:00.000-05:00

THIRTEEN CHRISTMAS SONGS I LOVE TO HATE

1. Away in a Manger--Hands down, the tops on my list. I've disliked it since childhood. This song makes me want to pinch someone every time I hear it.
2. The Christmas Shoes--Smarmy, sappy, whiny... get me a bucket, 'cause I'm gonna throw up.
3. Twelve Days of Christmas--only the ones that get the order wrong (it's twelve drummers, eleven pipers, ten lords, nine ladies!).
4. Christmas in Sarajevo--Depressing as hell.
5. Do They Know It's Christmas?--Do they care it's Christmas?
6. So This Is Christmas--Better titled "FEEL GUILTY FOR WANTING PRESENTS AND BELIEVING IN SANTA CLAUS AND DRINKING EGGNOG AND HAVING FUN FOR ONE DAY."
7. All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth--That whistling! And you know as soon as that kid's teeth grew in the neighborhood bully punched them back out again.
8. Wonderful Christmastime--Just annoying--the beat, the weird synthesized music...ick!
9. This Christmas--I never liked Ally McBeal, and this song just reminds me of all that, over and over. And the FS, which is SO not necessary.
10. Santa Baby--I don't know why I don't like this one. I just don't.
11. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer--It was funny 20 years ago. But that was 20 YEARS ago.
12. Little Drummer Boy--All that pa-rum-pa-pum-pumming makes me want to pick up a bat and pa-rum-pa-pum-pum Drummer Dude to a pulp.
13. My Favorite Things--This is not a Christmas song! It's from Sound of Music, people! Sound of Freaking Music! It's a thunderstorm song! Why couldn't you just leave it there? Why??

Okay, sharing time! What happy sappy holiday tunes set your teeth on edge?

2008-12-08T06:18:00.002-05:00

MONDAY, HAPPY MONDAY!!

Great news, most auspicious felicitations, etc, etc! Next Monday the 15th I will be doing a Holiday Snark Trifecta with Missie and Robyn, former authoresses of the world-famous Snarkling Clean and current blog goddesses at More Of A Woman and Picnic At Stonehenge! We've got some fun holiday covers to dish up for your snarking pleasure, so please visit them all and help us spread the Christmas joy!

On to today's selection...

Never mind that his nipple is the same color as the rest of his skin, or that he looks like he's about to commit murder with that strand--I want a bare-chested guy hanging up MY Christmas lights out there in 20 degree bluster while I watch, safe and snug with a cup of cocoa at hand, from the picture window next to that roaring fire. Yowza. That would be one heck of a Christmas gift, ladies.

Happy Monday to all, and to all a good snark. See you next week!

2008-12-04T07:41:00.001-05:00

THIRTEEN CHRISTMASSY THOUGHTS

1. I love driving by people's houses that are all lit up. In fact, Son and I purposely go out one night and do "drive-bys" around town to check houses out.

2. Does anybody actually like eggnog? Or is it just one of those things you drink to be polite?

3. I like looking at ribbon candy more than eating it. It's so pretty with all the stripes and fragile waviness--but the flavor has never turned me on.

4. Despite the fact that it is played ad nauseum this time of year, "A Christmas Story" is one of my favorite holiday movies.

5. What, exactly, is wassailing?

6. I read recently that Victorian-era Christmas times were not all warm and fuzzy like the old-fashioned pictures suggest. Apparently people got pretty rowdy during the season back then.

7. The idea of having evergreens in the house goes all the way back to early Scandinavian/Norse culture, when they would chop down an evergreen tree and haul it into the house, stick it in a corner or hang it from the ceiling to remind them, in the darkest days of winter, that spring would come and renew the world again.

8. I HATE marzipan.

9. Does anyone else besides me keep their car radio tuned to that one station that plays holiday music 24/7?

10. My favorite holiday cartoons are Charlie Brown, The Grinch, and Garfield's Christmas. They don't play the Garfield one on TV anymore as far as I know, but it's pretty funny!

11. Does anyone remember the California Raisins Christmas Special?

12. They had a weird tradition in Cleveland for about 15 years or so that a guy named Mr. Jingeling was the keeper of the keys for Santa (I think) and kids would go see him instead of Santa. Crazy. And he was kind of scary looking besides.

13. Speaking of Santa there is a book out filled with pictures of kids crying on Santa's lap. I can't remember the title off the bat, but if I find it I'll post it in comments.

Any random Christmas-like thoughts in your head today? Share!

2008-12-01T06:26:00.002-05:00

ALL SHE WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS

Oooh! A guessing game! What does this lovely lady want for Christmas? Can you tell by the title? The picture? Does she want, say...
A dress to cover up her slip?
Not quite so much hairspray?
Longer stems on her red roses?
A kiss from lover boy?

Check comments for the answer!

Happy Monday!

2008-11-25T08:46:00.007-05:00

THIRTEEN SUPER GIFT IDEAS
(conveniently listed on Wednesday rather than Thursday in order to give youall ample time to consider your options)

I know. Trust me, I KNOW. It's not even Thanksgiving yet! But forewarned is forearmed, I believe, and here at StarvingWriteNow I am thinking of YOU by providing a handy list of must-haves that will make you the hit of this holiday season:

1. A Leg Lamp Nightlight. Everyone, and I mean EVERYone, needs one of these in their home.
2. A Pogo Stick. After you get back from the ER (with 19 stitches in your head from walloping it on the ceiling) this will make a lovely trellis for your clematis vines.
3. An Easy Bake Oven. Go retro! Revisit your childhood!
4. Car Antlers. Even the car can use a little Christmas.
5. Pole Dancing DVD. A nice accompaniment to that "Flirty Girl Fitness" set I blogged about a couple of weeks ago.
6. A Light-Up Dog Sweater. Yes. Find Fido anywhere with his light-up frock.
7. The Official, Limited Edition Star Trek Pez Dispenser Set. Come on, who wouldn't want to eat candy from Mr. Spock's head? And they're collector's items! It says so on the box!
8. A Back Hair Shaver. Just imagine the labor-saving possibilities of this little doohickey.
9. Pro Wine Opener. Corkscrews are SO yesterday.
10. Pet Treat Filled Ornaments. Only for those pet owners who believe that Fido isn't capable of smelling doggie treats through plastic and demolishing the whole tree to get to them.
11. Talking Scale. I wonder if these can be programmed to say stuff like "Holy F***! You're getting fat!" or "Damn, you're fine, baby."
12. Wireless Luggage Locator. Annoy everyone in baggage claim with one of these babies!
13. Disney Villains 5 Piece Desk Set. I totally could go for the Cruella stapler, myself.

Have fun shopping, and share any groovy gift ideas with me in comments!!

2008-11-24T11:45:00.002-05:00

WHAT'S IN A TITLE?

Nothing, usually, except...

Should this title be altered just a smidge? To like, say, "Quade's MC Hammer Pants" or "Quade's Massive D**k That Requires Baggy Pants" or "Quade's Mysterious Depends Loungewear"?

It's too bad about the unfortunate title choice, 'cause he's cute!

Happy Monday!

2008-11-20T14:42:00.003-05:00

HOLY TRISKAIDEKAPHOBIA, BATMAN!

There's no Thursday Thirteen!

Next week, folks. Promise.

Same bat time, same bat channel.

2008-11-17T06:44:00.003-05:00

CHRISTMAS PREVIEW

I know, I know. It's not even Thanksgiving yet! But since all the stores are full of lights and really annoying elevator-style holiday tunes, I thought I'd spread a little pre-holiday joy and seek answers to some very pressing questions:

WTF is with dad's sweater, here? It does not go with the Santa hat. At all.
Is mom feeling for a heartbeat? How bad will her static/hat-head be when she takes off that lovely knitted cap?
And is the boy trying to snowboard on that tree or is he hunkered down for something far more sinister? Inquiring minds want to know!

Happy Monday!

2008-11-13T08:34:00.005-05:00

THIRTEEN THINGS TO DO TO TAKE YOUR MIND OFF SEX

Believe it or not, it is possible to remove sex from your mind, if only for a few minutes. Why anyone would want to, I'm sure I don't know, but in case you (like me) are in the position of not getting any until some unknown future date, here are some suggestions to take that diverting activity off your mind:

1. Sky Diving. Utter terror does it every time.

2. Run a four-minute mile. You'll be so exhausted you'll just want to sleep.

3. Train-Dodging. You'll be too shaky afterwards.

4. Bait a mean neighborhood dog. this activity could cause you to run a three minute mile, or climb a tree without the use of your hands or feet!

5.Clean your basement/attic/garage. All that sentimentality over snookums' baby pictures will totally knock amorous urges away.

6. Pick a fight with someone. Of course, if you pick the wrong someone, you could wind up out of a job or in the hospital, so choose wisely.

7. Rake a yardful of leaves by hand. No blowers, no help from those neighborhood kids... do it all yourself. Not only will you be too tired afterwards, but as an added bonus you'll be achy and blistered and sore for days!

8. Read some quality non-fiction. Like, say... a cookbook. Or one of those tattle books about the mob complete with bloody pictures. Not only will you forget about sex, but you won't want to eat either--this option is figure-friendly!

9. Catch the latest flu going around. You'll be too busy taking your temperature and moaning to be much good to anyone.

10. Check your kid's report cards. This one will keep you angry for days.

11. Take six shots of tequila in six minutes. You'll be too busy a) sleeping it off or b) vomiting to worry about l'amour.

12. Go shopping. It's fun, it's easy! And when the credit card bills come, you'll be so depressed having to pay them that sex will completely slip your mind!

13. Take a little snooze. This option can waste hours!

Okay, so it's actually Friday and not Thursday. I'm a little behind this week. Enjoy--and share your diversions in comments!

2008-11-10T06:43:00.003-05:00

DISSED!

John was a nice guy who liked to roll his shirts up past his elbows. He met Tracy, beautiful, blonde and fond of orange widewale corduroy dresses. He thought they were soulmates... he gathered her close, leaned in for the big moment and...
...she turned her head and whispered, "I--I'm sorry, John! I just couldn't love a man who parts his hair down the center like that! Oh, God, I can't bear to look! Please understand, I wish you only the best in life! Can we still be friends?"

Happy Monday!

2008-11-06T07:23:00.004-05:00

THIRTEEN WAYS TO ENJOY A RAINY, MISERABLE WEEKEND.

Yes, it's coming on that time of year in my 'hood, where the lovely colors of fall give way to rain, snow, driving wind... all that fun stuff that makes you totally not want to even get out of bed. Never fear--StarvingWriteNow is here with a plethora of activities to make that enforced "inside time" bearable!

1. Bake Cookies--Not only will your house smell terrific (unless you burn them, of course) but you'll be able to eat as many as you want because, as we all know, cookies you bake yourself have ZERO calories.

2. Rearrange the Furniture--Give your house a new look! And throw out your back while you're at it so you can take a few days off to admire your handiwork from a prone position.

3. Play Games--Not just the traditional board games, here. Try the classic "Where the F*** Are My Car Keys" and "Stop Staring At Your Sister" games as well. Fun for the whole family!

4. Watch A Movie--long, weather-crappy weekends are perfect for marathons of Meg Ryan flicks (sure to please your significant other), Hitchcock (sure to send the kids into hysterics), or Broadway-Goes-To-Hollywood (sure to have you humming "Oklahoma" for WEEKS).

5. Get Crafty--Scissors and paper and glue, oh my! Try making your own Christmas cards this year--trust me, everyone will appreciate your efforts!

6. Learn a New Recipe--Experimenting on family is always fun, especially when it comes to cooking. I like trying out new Thanksgiving ideas on Son; watching his facial expressions makes for fine memories.

7. Play More Games--Like your kid's Nintendo system. Sure to incite extensive eye-rolling, giggling, and teasing for weeks to come because you "suck" at Guitar Hero.

8. Invent A New Cocktail--Savor the burn. And pour another one while you're at it.

9. Vacuum--This activity can be turned into an olympic sport; foot whacking, under-furniture stretching, cord-manipulating calisthenics...

10. Home Repairs--best done before you attempt #8.

11. Invent Another New Cocktail--this time with an extra shot or two of whatever you've got handy.

12. Play More Games--by now you're juuuust tipsy enough to attempt something really fun, like say... Twister! Just make sure the kiddies dial 911 after they stop laughing at you.

13. Take A Nap--Probably the best thing to do when it's miserable out and you've ate 6,000 cookies, drank concoctions that could probably run your car, and pulled every muscle in your ass trying to reach that stupid red circle on the Twister mat...

Happy Thursday!

2008-11-04T06:37:00.002-05:00

KIND OF HOW I FEEL ABOUT WORKING WITH BLOG TEMPLATES

Trying to figure out new templates/3 column jazz today. It's not working all that well, but I live in hope. Currently I've lost all my widgets, etc. Huzzah! Anyhow, while I struggle with my incompetence, here's a cartoon for your viewing pleasure.

I surely do miss Calvin & Hobbes.

2008-11-01T19:28:00.003-05:00

WHAT EVERY GIRL WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS

Hey, Halloween is officially over! Time to bust out the Christmas lights and start your holiday shopping! Tops on my list is the following:

Yes, folks, it's the Flirty Girl Fitness Set--complete with POLE and pink feather boa! Just saw it on MTV 2 tonight! Woo! YEAH!! I'm gonna learn to work it, baby!!

2008-10-30T06:25:00.002-05:00

THIRTEEN NIFTY WAYS TO DECORATE A PUMPKIN

Tired of that same old, boring jack-o-lantern with the silly grin? Become the pride--or the pariah--of your neighborhood with one of these babies(click on the links to view):

1. Siamese Twin Pumpkins
2.Worm-Infested Pumpkin
3.Flaming Pumpkin
4.Candy Corn Pumpkin
5.Trick-or-Treater Eater
6.Frankenpumpkin
7.Lawn Defender
8.Next Year's Project
9.Cannibal Pumpkin
10.Constipated Pumpkin
11.Flash-o-lantern
12.Beer Cooler
13.Godzilla

Happy Halloween, all!

2008-10-27T05:34:00.002-05:00

CALL ME CRAZY...

Okay, the series is "Count on a Cop" but this fella is Nobody's Hero. Hmm... Looks like I'll have to handle that life-or-death-struggle with the bad-guy-waving-a-knife on the edge of the cliff right next to Grandma's century home that's about to be destroyed by greedy land developers my damn self.

Happy Monday!

2008-10-26T07:47:00.002-05:00

A SMILE TO BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY

My sister sent me this. Isn't it cool?

2008-10-23T06:17:00.004-05:00

THIRTEEN SCARY (MAYBE) FILMS I'VE SEEN

1. Halloween. Hands down, scariest one for me. I worry about every bush and shadow for a week after I see that film.
2. Nosferatu. Just saw this for the first time a few months ago--very good creep-factor to it; and its a silent movie, so that ramps up the atmosphere.
3. Frankenstein. Watched the entire thing last weekend. It's actually a very well done, cerebral film. I was pleasantly surprised.
4. Phantasm. Lame! OMG, so lame! Especially when the tall dude picked up the coffin--I couldn't stop giggling for hours.
5. The Exorcist. I try never to watch this one alone.
6. Friday the 13th. Okay, I never saw this as a teen or anything, so by the time I actually watched it as an adult, I thought it was totally queer. However, I did jump when the Jason dude grabbed the girl out of the canoe in the end.
7. Eraserhead. Long on promise, short on delivery. It's a cult classic, supposed to be scary--frankly, it kind of sucked.
8. The Omen. This movie had mood in spades. The music, the creepy nurse... and that kid! Yikes!
9. The House on Haunted Hill. Okay, it's lame for the most part, but don't tell me you didn't jump the first time that weird blind lady showed up!
10. The Haunting. SO creepy! Loved it!
11. The Screaming Skull. This is a low-grade B movie from way back that probably no one has seen but me and my sisters--I watched it when I was in kindergarten and had nightmares.
12. The Blair Witch Project. I watched this alone, at night, before all the news-hype came out about how they staged it, etc. This movie scared the bejesus out of me!!
13. Alien. The suspense was so thick in this film I literally had to bite my lip to keep from screaming. Very spooky-stressful.

So how about youall? Favorites? Picks? Pans? Share!

2008-10-22T10:24:00.002-05:00

JUST PUT A BAND-AID ON IT

So there I was, minding my own business...

I went to a dermatologist today for the first time to get my skin looked at; in particular, a small growth on my nose that has been bugging me (I'm so vain...) for years. I thought they were going to do the typical consult, then schedule an appointment for removal, blah de blah...

Oh, heck no, brothers and sisters. They shot some lidocaine into my nose

HURT! HUURRRRT!!!! MOTHER F-ING OWWWW!!!

then took a scalpel and started cutting. Mind you, I was still shedding tears over the shot, then I felt the blade and winced a little and

THEY GAVE ME ANOTHER SHOT. F!!!!!!!!

Can you say "levitate", kids? That's right, I rose up like Linda Blair with the devil in her.

Anyway, after that my nose felt fine, they finished hacking off my "witches wart", as Son calls it, plastered a band-aid on it, gave me some take-home instructions and sent me out.

Wham, bam, thank you ma'am and come again. I can't wait to see the insurance statement for this.

2008-10-20T07:01:00.002-05:00

RIDE 'EM, COWBOY

(You're all about to get a peek down the perv hallway of my dirty little mind)

I've been giggling over this cover for weeks.
Is it just me, or does it look like she's doing him?

Happy Monday!

PS: Son is on the mend. We have an MRI tomorrow. Woo hoo!

2008-10-16T11:27:00.004-05:00

LIKE, SCOOB, WHERE'S THE THURSDAY THIRTEEN?

Just a quick update: Went to the orthopedic on Monday. Son is now wearing a boot. The doctor said he could not definitely tell 100% that the one bone chip came from the fibula, so he ordered an MRI for next week. Listen! Put your ear up to the screen! Can you hear it? That's the sound of money being sucked out of my bank account! Yeah, baby!

2008-10-13T05:59:00.002-05:00

WE AIN'T GOT NO STINKIN' ROMANCE COVERS TODAY!

I'm sure I could find some cover, somewhere, that shows a person with a broken limb in a passionate embrace. But I just don't have the time/ambition/whatever. Son (bless his little heart) broke his fibula on Saturday night, so we're a little topsy-turvy over here right now. But I'll be baaaacckk....

Happy Monday!

2008-10-10T07:51:00.002-05:00

MOMMA LOVES HER SOME XML/HTML

Okay, I am totally being sarcastic here. I tried this morning to change my template(notice the new color thingy!) to a 3-column one with--after all the copying and pasting and shit and aggravation--no luck. My changes could not be saved because XML couldn't parse something and the "div" doohickey needed a matching end tag. WHERE????? I DON'T KNOW!!!

Sigh. This is why I am a children's librarian-in-training. I totally get the easy stuff, like storytime and silly dancing. Give me HTML and I'm lost.

Suggestions? Help? Anything? Should I just give up and drown my sorrows in Ben&Jerry's and Mary Tyler Moore reruns?

2008-10-09T05:36:00.003-05:00

.
THIRTEEN "THURSDAY THIRTEEN" TOPICS I MAY YET POST
.
There's a million of them out there, some inspired and some... better left unwritten. Thanks again to Frances for several of these ideas!
.

1. Thirteen Things We Could All Learn From Cults. (I don't know; proper prayer technique, how to be a good 17th wife...)
2. Thirteen Ways To Keep Your Bodice Rip-Free. (Any romance heroine could use these tips!)
3. Thirteen Naked In Public Dreams I've Had. (They're not all the same, and trust me, they ain't pretty!)
4. Thirteen Dominatrix Tricks Every Woman Should Learn. (I'm going for proper whipping methods myself.)
5. Thirteen Things In My Trash Can. (This could be gross, funny, or just gross.)
6. Thirteen Bugs I've Scraped Off My Windshield. (See above.)
7. Thirteen Signs of a Pending Zombie Apocalypse. (We all need to know! It could happen!)
8. Thirteen Other Uses For a Corset. (Make mine Elizabethan!)
9. Thirteen Other Uses For a Jock Strap. (I shuddered when I typed that.)
10. Thirteen Lies People Tell Themselves That They Really Shouldn't. (Of course I'm a size 6. I've been one all my life! These jeans are just mislabeled!)
11. Thirteen Ways To Talk Yourself Out of Taking a Risk. (Being queen of the worriers, I should be able to finish this list in ten seconds flat.
12. Thirteen Ways To Talk Yourself Into Taking a Risk. (This is what I really need to do more often!)
13. Thirteen Naughty Things To Do On a Trampoline. (Come on, you know there's something out there someone has tried!)
.
Okay, when you comment today, pick one of the 13 and give me an example! (I expect to get at least 600 comments, so get cracking!)
.

2008-10-06T05:43:00.002-05:00

TALES FROM THE (ROMANTIC) CRYPT

She might have had "gentle beauty" at one time, but after 600 years in the seventh circle of hell with dead boy here, she needs a lift. Or maybe a tuck. Or maybe just another layer or two of Cover Girl.
And as an aside, what is that thing on the left side? It looks like a brontosaurus head! Any ideas? And what do they do with it? Do I want to know?

2008-10-02T05:47:00.003-05:00

THIRTEEN FALL MEMORIES

Believe it or not, it was 47 degrees here this morning. I actually turned on the heat! Doing so got me into a "Fall" frame of mind and I'm reminiscing. I grew up on a farm, so fall was always a big time. The crops, the roadside stand, going to market... it was hectic and colorful and fun.

(this TT is a work in progress; check back for more scintillating details!)

1. Picking apples.
2. Weekends.
3. The sound of the tractors coming home at dusk.

4. Loading up the big truck for storage.

5. Digging potatoes.

6. Making a halloween mask out of a paper plate.

7. Trees on fire.

8. Cider.

9. Better: warm popcorn and cider.

10. Wrapping up in sweaters and coats.

11. The first fire in the woodstove.

12. The smell of fall.

13. Frost.

2008-10-01T06:23:00.003-05:00

LIFE CHANGING RELATIONSHIPS, PART 2
(Honeoye Lake, New York)

Where was I?

A quick aside, the photo above is part of the Finger Lakes Region of New York, where I used to live. There is a state park on the far end, in the hills. That's where we walked the dogs, most of the time.

Anyway, back to the story.

Life was bitter. I went along, took care of hearth and home, all that stuff. I saw P occasionally but never alone and we never spoke beyond small talk. (The Vibe between us, however, was strong as ever.) It was like those before and after commercials, where the glass is all dirty before then they clean it and the whole world turns technicolor--just reverse the process for me. My technicolor was gone; my world was a dirty window. P had--by opening himself to me, by giving his friendship selflessly--renewed me. He had given me hope and faith and truth. And it all crashed down into rubble. For a time.

That spring, the ex quit his job. There was a flurry of interviews, plane rides... all that stuff and finally he landed a job in another state and left me and Son behind to sell the house. I had six weeks, and I made the most of them. P and I came back together, picked right up like we hadn't missed a beat, spent as much time as we reasonably could. Let's just call a spade black--even though we weren't having a sexual affair, we were sneaking around. I really didn't care, either. The communion we had... I would have done just about anything to keep it. And he felt the same way; I could see it every time I looked at him.

My last night we had dinner, and when it was time to go we held on like we were drowning. I couldn't stop crying, I remember that, and then he kissed me.

I think that kiss lasted for ten minutes (and man, was it good!). And we said what we both knew: we loved each other. Passionately, obviously, but more than that--this sounds corny but it was like a union of souls. That deep and real. The next day when I was leaving I stopped at the intersection that led to him. I sat there for almost five minutes, so heartsick I thought I might die. The temptation was great, but responsibility was greater and I turned left instead of right. Drove ten hours to a new home, a spouse I no longer loved, the end of my marriage and the beginning of the rest of my life.

I haven't seen P in ten years. The wounds scarred over in time; I heard at one point he had a new love in his life and I was glad--I think loving me made him realize what he was missing, if that makes any sense. Even though I chose not to go back to him and made a life here, there are times when suddenly he's there, surrounding me with that Vibe... and I know he thinks of me still. Times when I dream of him and know without doubt that he has dreamt of me.

Knowing him changed everything in me. Loving him redeemed me. I shudder to think what I would have become if he hadn't come into my life and I thank God to this day that he did.

I've never told anyone this story. And the only reason I'm telling it now... that Vibe has returned, quietly, stealing in over the last few months until the last two weeks when it body-slammed me, pinned me down... and I'm trying really hard to keep a lid on it because the gentleman in question is very closed. I'm not sure if he likes me like that, you know? (yes, that sounds totally high school. shut up.) I think he might. I don't know. (I'm trying to be cool. It's probably not working.)

PS: On an encouraging note, the other day when we were conversing we had a staring moment and I think he might have lost his train of thought for a moment. And frankly, every time I see those blue eyes my brain just shuts down and needs to reboot. It's pathetic.

2008-09-30T06:30:00.003-05:00

LIFE CHANGING RELATIONSHIPS

(Eros and Psyche; photo courtesy of Dan Heller)

After complaining to Spyscribbler that I couldn't find the Cab Ride story, I found it (naturally) on another website. It is definitely worth a read. And it got me to thinking how sometimes you meet someone and everything changes.

(Names have been omitted to protect the innocent, the guilty, and everyone in between.)

About twelve years ago I met P. P was a friend of a friend sort of person. He lived alone in the country, a good 45 minute drive from my part of that same country. He was almost a hermit when I met him; pleasant on the surface but he didn't talk unless he had something to say and he did not go out of his way to be social. Considering his career at the time (hallucinogenic agriculture) it was understandable.

I was encouraged by my ex to befriend him; chiefly because he wanted a "source" and he noticed at a gathering that P actually spoke to me for more than two seconds (more than he gave most people). I acquiesced; but not to please my ex. I was depressed, isolated, unhappy... about the lowest I've ever been in my life. I needed friendship and connection like a fish needs water and I wasn't exactly getting it from him.

And there was just something about P that made me want to know him. It was more than just seeing a kindred soul in him; like me he was incredibly alone and I sensed that he needed a friend as much as I did. Needed someone to just be with now and then who wasn't looking for a score. I can't describe the feeling to this day; it was like he had an invisible finger hooked into me from the moment we met. He was a silent, powerful force; he was inevitable.

It was tough going for a while there. I tried, and tried, and tried some more--for months I pestered him and visited and sat in his house and endured his silence, his one word answers, his utter resistance. Finally one day I'd had enough and when I left his house I told myself I wasn't going back.

It took about two weeks until, apparently, the suspense was unbearable and he finally called. We got together to walk the dogs and it became a regular thing. We started talking more. I even got him to laugh out loud every once in a while. The big silence between us was still there, but it had changed. It was no longer a wall I was battering against; it was a warm, dark cloak that surrounded us, sheltered us from everyone else who didn't get what we were about. Our friendship was a deep, true understanding, a place that belonged solely to us.

I'm sure you can guess what happened next. The ex's friends starting making comments and the ex asked me one day if I was sleeping with P. I said no; it wasn't like that at all.

He didn't believe me. Oh, he never said anything outright but I knew and, thinking back on it, our marriage was over that day, that very minute. I told him if our friendship upset him I wouldn't see P any more. I called P and told him what happened and that I wouldn't be coming by any more... and I cried like a baby.

It was like he died. I was devestated.

And I'm tearing up just thinking about it now. I'll stop here. Part 2 tomorrow.

2008-09-29T04:47:00.002-05:00

WHAT EVERY GIRL YEARNS FOR

"Why I declare! A plantation set right in the middle of its very own swamp! Do the 'gators and 'skeeters and the crazy overseer come with it? They do? Aw, sugarpie, you done thought of everything! Bless your little pea-pickin' heart!"

2008-09-25T05:36:00.002-05:00

THIRTEEN WAYS GUYS SHOW THAT THEY LIKE YOU (OR MAYBE THAT THEY'RE INSANE, WHATEVER)

A guy's romantic map never changes, from the sandbox to the grave. To wit:

1. The second you notice them and like them, they start ignoring you. (Classic Frustrate The Girl Maneuver)

2. They say hi to you the first time they see you... then five minutes later they make a point of saying hi to you again (of course, this could be sign of OCD, or perhaps a memory issue--use caution).

3. They tease. Unmercifully, of course, because they're guys. If they do it well enough it makes you think they don't like you at all, which could be fatal to any attempt at connection. Beware the Fatal Teaser. (click there for a funny video!)

4. They'll pass you stupid notes like "you stink" during class/meetings etc. Of course, if you really do stink, this could have hurtful consequences.

5. When you send a guy the classic "I like you. Do you like me?" letter, his response will be something along the lines of "I oughta punch you one" or something likewise really romantic.

6. Chasing you around the playground. Of course in the grownup world this translates to chasing you around, say, the local watering hole. Just remember, there's a fine line between chasing and stalking.

7. Showing his manliness/prowess. In childhood this is more like: "I bet I can throw this rock farther than you can!" In adulthood: "Let me show you how to hold that pool cue."

8. They'll give you food. Like their baloney sandwich during lunchtime. Or they'll give you a taste of their dinner when you go out. This could lead to romance. Or food poisoning. Use caution.

9. Ask you to help them with their homework/project etc. This can be cute and flattering. It can also be a sign of sloth. Beware.

10. Staring at you. There's a fine line here between attraction and psychosis. You have been warned.

11. Touching. Like, say, suddenly they find all kinds of reasons to "give you a hug" or they pull your hair (hopefully only in Kindergarten, not in adulthood).

12. They'll talk to you about stuff you like, or maybe watch a chick movie without falling asleep. Very promising... but could possibly be a sign of insanity.

13. They stand straighter or "suck it in" when you pass by. Again, cute and flattering. But they could rupture something, so be ready to call 911.

What ways has someone shown they like you? Share--and yes, as a matter of fact, there is a reason I'm on this subject today...

2008-09-22T05:48:00.002-05:00

NOTHING SAYS "ROMANCE" LIKE A NICE PAIR OF PANTALOONS

I don't know about youall, but seeing a man in velvety, poufy PURPLE pants/shorts/whatever the heck they are just makes me want to sit up and meow, you know? I think all romance heroes should be required to assert their manliness by donning a pair in their favorite color and wearing them everywhere...

...and don't forget the tights.
.
Have a happy, poufy Monday!

2008-09-18T05:51:00.002-05:00

THURSDAY THIRTEEN

THIRTEEN PIRATE JOKES FOR THAT SPECIAL DAY

Yes, folks, international Talk Like A Pirate Day is tomorrow! Ahoy! Huzzah! Avast! Shiver me timbers! And all that good stuff. So, to get you primed and ready, here are some good (and some not so good) pirate jokes:

1. Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?

Because they can spend years at C!

2. Why did the pirate run aground?

His eye-patch was the wrong prescription!

3. What do you get when you cross a pirate with a zuchnni?

A Squashbuckler!!!

4. Why did the pirate captain pull the boat over?

Because his crew kept asking “Aaarrrrrr we there yet?”

5. How do pirates know that they are pirates?

They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!

6. What did the pirate name his cat?

Garrrrrfield!

7. Where do pirates go to college?

Haarrrrrvard!

8. How do pirates know when an attack is coming?

They watch Sea-Span!

9. Why don't pirates make good life guards?

They dont know C.P. ARRRRRR!!!

10. Where did the one-legged pirate go for breakfast?

I-Hop!

11. What goes thump-thump Arr!, thump-thump Arr!?

A pirate falling down the stairs!

12. On a scale from 1-10 I rate cherry pie an 11!
That's my famous "pie rate" joke!

13. Did you hear about the pirate with a stomach problem?

He was suffering from diARRRRRrrrrrrhhea!!

Feel free to add your favorite pirate jokes, and have a wonderful day tomorrow talking like a pirate! Gang Way!

2008-09-15T05:14:00.002-05:00

ELVIS LIVES!

Marie's the name of His Latest Flame, and It's Now Or Never....
But frankly, she looks a little tired.

Happy Monday!

2008-09-14T10:00:00.003-05:00

ONE STEP AT A TIME, KIDS

(ASIDE: When I saw this picture my first thought was Holy F***!)

Yesterday, I had to drop Son off in the old 'hood and saw something that took me back a step. There was another car, a strange car, in the FS's driveway.

Now, I know the FS is dating and all that. And I knew that eventually I'd see this, and/or run into him and his new "perfect girl" somewhere, sometime. So it's not like I wasn't prepared.

But it was weird.

And then, because I was going that way to meet Spyscribbler at Borders (who didn't show--'Tash, did you get totally rained in or what?) I decided I'd have an all-out torture-type fest and drive by the car dealership where The G works. And I saw him, which was also weird, but in a different way.

BTW, I don't think I info'ed you guys on the last with The G--I totally fell off the high road about a week ago after not hearing from him for a solid month. I was trying so hard to be philosophical and all that happy horseshit and then... I don't know. I just snapped. I sent a very carefully worded, blistering email that told him off, thanked him for treating me like a big piece of shit, etc. etc. and told him not to bother responding 'cause I was no longer interested. (So there!)

It felt like a huge stone just slipped away. It was great. Maybe I should make a habit of telling people off. I wouldn't have any friends, but I'd feel great, right?

Don't worry, I won't go crazy. I'll just keep on keeping on, day by day, one step at a time.

2008-09-11T05:43:00.002-05:00

THIRTEEN EMAIL SUBJECTS FROM MY SPAM BOX

1. ***Hot singles in your area are looking to meet! (I wonder if I count here...)
2. Why haven't you claimed your $500? (If it wasn't for those pesky catches...)
3. How morons make millions (I've got a college degree. No wonder I'm poor.)
4. Dumb and poor? Here's a simple way to make MONEY! (Ditto...)
5. Would you meet me tonight if I was SPICY or if I was SWEET? (Depends; are you a Dorito or a Snickers bar? Either way, I'm there!)
6. Getting Fat? Get Phetramine. Get Skinny. (Do they know I've had too many Doritos and Snickers?)
7. Shh did you hear about how BIG he was? (Why are you whispering? Shout it from the treetops, girl!)
8. Do you have an Ortho Evra Brith Control patch? (Last time I checked it was BIRTH control)
9. GET A DATE IN 24 HOURS OR LESS!!!!!! (Oh boy! Pick me! Pick me! I'm a hot single in my area!)
10. Learn how to go on a 3-day vacation for only $59.95! (This is simple: Fill up your gas tank then sit on your lawnchair in your driveway with an umbrella for shade and a cooler at your feet and stare at the car for 3 days.)
11. Newly discovered body transformation formula. (Whose body will I get? Heidi Klum's or Oprah's?)
12. Asbestos exposure is shown to cause serious problems. (Wow. Really? No kidding!)
13. Clean your colon (It's a colon. Last stop on the line, right? Isn't it "dirty" by default? Okay, I'm feeling all oogy now...)

What's the latest in your spam box? Share!

2008-09-08T05:35:00.002-05:00

MONDAY, SNARKY MONDAY...

For some reason, I keep thinking of Imperial Margarine...

Have a happy day!

2008-09-07T19:34:00.002-05:00

ANNIVERSARY

Dear FS: Today marks seven years since the first time we met. Part of me dreaded this day coming because it used to mean so much to me. Each year was special and great because, I thought, I was with the man who I'd be with forever. Even that year when you built me up so bad for a "big surprise" and I thought you were going to propose and you got me a lousy Browns t-shirt instead.

I made it through okay. I didn't cry or feel sad or anything. I even remembered a few fine memories as the day went along. Like when I was sick as dog with the flu and told you not to come over because you'd catch it and you came anyway--with an electric blanket you'd bought just for me. That was probably one of the kindest, most thoughtful things you ever did for me. Back then, you (probably) truly loved me.

Anyway, I know you won't read this--because in spite of all your assurances I know you only went to the blog once or twice, when I asked you to--but I want you to know that I'm getting along okay. I'll never understand why we weren't worth it to you, but in retrospect I'd rather be alone and know that I am worth someone's while, even if currently that someone is just me. You may have cut me to ribbons, but I'm on the mend, and I know I'm going to make it. I'll never be the same, but I live in hope that I'll be better.

I have no sentimental wishes for you, sorry. I know that you will get exactly what you deserve in life, just like everybody else.

Sincerely, Your FS

2008-09-04T04:37:00.003-05:00

THIRTEEN WAYS TO BEEF UP YOUR PERSONAL AD

Don't worry, folks, I haven't quite lost my sanity enough to take out an ad on one of the many gazillions of personal sites out there. But just for fun, let's imagine how to turn an "average" into an "exceptional"! If you'd like to play along, remember, use active verbs and consult your Roget's for alternative word choices!

1. The Truth: You still live with your mother.
The Ad: "I have a roommate."

2. The Truth: You're such a slob that your apartment is in danger of being condemned because of all the food wrappers, pizza boxes and drink cans laying around.
The Ad: "I consider myself a Bohemian."

3. The Truth: You can carry a case of beer up a flight of stairs without getting winded.
The Ad: "I'm athletic!"

4. The Truth: You're unemployed/unemployable.
The Ad: "My schedule is really flexible!"

5. The Truth: You're a professional Trekkie/Star Wars fan(conventions, makeup, the works).
The Ad: "DaHjaj 'oH QaQ jaj Daq Hegh!" (apparently this is Klingon--writing your personal ad in this will definitely narrow the field!)

6. The Truth: You're just looking for sex.
The Ad: "I have a certain joie de vivre!" or "I'm looking for a meaningful relationship."

7. The Truth: The last time you attempted serious exercise you nearly ruptured something.
The Ad: "I like long walks in the park."

8. The Truth: You're a psycho stalker on the loose.
The Ad: "I'm dedicated!"

9. The Truth: You're addicted to television.
The Ad: "I like to stay connected!"

10. The Truth: Your hobbies include collecting Spam memorabilia and making miniature sculptures out of boogers.
The Ad: "I have a variety of interests!"

11. The Truth: You're one step away from being labeled a "Crazy Cat Lady".
The Ad: "I love animals!"

12. The Truth: You're a Walmart greeter, or you work the drive-thru at your local fast food joint.
The Ad: "I'm in public service!"

13. The Truth: You're uglier than Freddie Krueger.
The Ad: "I have a sparkling personality!"

Got any more for me? Share them in comments!

2008-09-02T14:54:00.002-05:00

TO DATE OR NOT TO DATE?

Disclaimer: Seriously, guys, I'm not ready for a relationship. But I must admit I've been thinking about dates. About spending time in a man's company. On the plus side, there's a whole lotta single men out there. On the minus side, there could be a good reason they're single. On the plus side, it would be fun to go out and be a "grown up". On the minus side, when the hell am I going to have time? On the plus side, it might be fun to meet someone new. On the minus side, there's all that BS you have to go through before you really get to know someone. And don't even get me started on the whole sex conundrum. It is a puzzle...

2008-09-01T07:53:00.003-05:00

WHO KNEW?

(sorry the image isn't complete, but I think you get the idea...)

Billionaires on sale! Only at HQN! Get your billionaire before it's too late and they start running out of sizes, colors, nationalities...

I predict the billionaires with the glowing hands will go fastest, followed by the sheikhs and the tycoons.

And seriously, what do you call a billionaire who has been reduced by 50%? Is he just a millionaire, or still a multimillionaire, or just a plain loser because he's on the sale rack?

Happy Laboring Day!

2008-08-28T05:33:00.003-05:00

THIRTEEN MOMENTS IN MY LIFE THAT I'D LIKE REPLAYED IN SLOW MOTION

1. Bad perm unveiling--oh yes, just days before my junior prom I--mistakenly, as it turned out--decided that getting a perm would be a good idea. Oh. OMG. I'm still cringing.
2. Puppy/kitten's first little accident--on me!--Let me just say that squeezing young critters is not recommended.
3. My first "F" grade in school--First grade. Miss Straight-A's over here got the shock of her academic life, let me tell you.
4. Marriage proposal--I have to hand it to the ex--he did a good job. Fancy dinner, special cake for dessert, dove ornament in the center of the cake with my ring around it's neck...very sweet.
5. Select outtakes from high school dances--I'm sure youall can just imagine the hair, the clothes, the attempts at cool dancing... oy!
6. My first time behind the wheel of a car--I ran over the birdhouse, just missed a ginormous maple tree... my mother still talks about it.
7. My first time on skis--Major giggle-worthy footage, I'm sure.
8. Any spectacular wipe-out (there were many!).
9. Me trying to be Dorothy Hamill on ice--I landed on my chin. My olympic career aspirations were officially over after that.
10. Me riding down the stairs on my ass with the cat in my arms--This was a classic Kodak moment. I got a bruise the size of Texas on one cheek and I didn't see the cat for hours after that.
11. Son tripping down the stairs while holding a Klondike bar--He was only five or six at the time and it was like a stumbling ballet.
12. Cats play-fighting--Always worthwhile.
13. That time when I went head-first over the handlebars on my bike--Hang on, make that those times I went head-first over the handlebars... I'm amazed I made it to adulthood.

Time to share: what's your Slo-Mo moment?

2008-08-25T05:38:00.003-05:00

OH, BABY!
.
Apparently, Silhouette Desire has replaced one desire with another.
.

Baby 1: Daddy's a billionaire--we'll get ten of everything!

Baby 2: I'll tell you one thing I don't want--daddy's case of mumps!

"Now pay attention, Jeffy: first you take over the company, then you fire half the staff, then you knock up the cute twentysomething secretary, then..."

Super-Tycoon wants Love Child to pull his glowing finger. Love Child is terrified of Super-Tycoon's Amazing Hovering Technique (even his shoelaces float!). And RedHot Mama could really, really use a nap.
.
Happy Monday, all!
.

2008-08-22T06:12:00.002-05:00

THIRTEEN ALTERNATIVE USES FOR MY TUITION DOLLARS

According to the hallowed halls of my university (Kent State, if you're interested) the cost of my upcoming librarianship is going to be roughly $20,000.00. Now, I fully plan on completing my degree and being in student loan hell for the following 10 years or so, but I can't help imagining what other things could be done with that money...

1. I could pay off other bills and have plenty of change left over for more upcoming bills--as we all know, bills never die, they just gain interest.

2. I could get giant breast implants. Or maybe a butt implant so I can look more like J.Lo.

3. I could put up that fence I've been whining about. And a deck. And paint my garage, and buy a real lawnmower... ugh, yardwork...

4. OOH! I could HIRE someone to do my yardwork!!

5. I could trick out the Matrix--give it low rider tires and a groovy paint job and one of those glass mufflers that's really annoying to hear.

6. Oh, and of course a stereo system that breaks windows with the bass and hydraulics so I can bounce while waiting for the traffic light to change.

7. I could get a gold tooth in front. Fo' Shizzle, I'd be da shit, man.

8. I could by pounds of gold chains to weight down my neck like Madonna.

9. I could buy all that expensive makeup and hair stuff on TV and then get mad when it doesn't magically turn me into Cindy Crawford.

10. I could vacation. On that island in the Caribbean that what's his name who owns Virgin Records owns. Of course, all y'all could come too.

11. Or maybe I could BUY some obscure island out there on the cheap and turn it into a fancy schmancy $10 grand a night retreat of my very own.

12. Or I could buy a tricked out sailboat to cruise around Lake Erie on.

13. And hire a super cute captain-type with a hot bod and a hairy chest to sail her for me...

Thanks for waiting around, guys! See you Monday--

2008-08-19T19:55:00.002-05:00

A POST BY ANY OTHER NAME

Hi all--I'm out of touch for a couple of days. I'm hoping to be back to do my Thursday Thirteen this week; we'll see how the donut rolls.

Meantime, check my blog obsessively for updates(you know you want to) and tell dirty jokes to pass the time while you wait for my next brainstorm of literary genius (snort!).

2008-08-18T05:36:00.002-05:00

BEHOLD, MALIBU BARBIE MAN

Sure, it's all in the angle. That rope cutting across him right where a Malibu Barbie doll's waist is cut is just a coincidence. Yeah, a coincidence.

And that guy's got some boobies. Just sayin'.

Happy Monday!

2008-08-14T05:31:00.002-05:00

THIRTEEN MOVIES THAT EXPLAIN MY LIFE
(TT idea courtesy of Frances, who is responsible--or at fault--for me starting this blog in the first place...)
.
Don't you wish sometimes that life was just like a movie? Cool outfits, exotic locales, danger, adventure, romance... and all the bad guys caught and the problems resolved before the credits roll. Lovely thought but totally impractical; I'd need at least thirteen examples to get a relatively whole picture:
.

1. An Affair To Remember. Despite making fun of it on a daily basis, I still believe in love.

2. Dawn Of The Dead. Me after one too many glasses of Pinot Noir. Uhhhhgggghhh...

3. Rear Window. I wanted to grow up cool and classy looking like Grace Kelly. In reality I'm more like Jimmy Stewart.

4. Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Three lessons: 1) In life you have to make do or do without (where's my coconuts?), 2) Friends who will stand by you are important (especially when facing killer bunnies), and 3) Sometimes you get sidetracked on your way to success (the Castle Anthrax).

5. Gone With The Wind. What happens to my paycheck every two weeks now that I own a house.

6. The Exorcist. Responsible for my family nickname (Exorcist Lady). When I get really angry, my head does actually turn a full 360 degrees. Ask son.

7. Frankenstein. Living with a teenager.

8. The Ten Commandments. That plague of locusts is eerily similar to my house on a weekend, when hordes of teenage boys descend upon my cozy little kitchen, tear through my snack stashes and leave the cupboards stripped of anything that resembles sustenance.

9. Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith. Unfortunately, no matter how hard you try for serenity and peace, there's always some dingbat waiting around to execute Order 66 and start the chaos and hysterics all over again (Nooooooo!).

10. Better Off Dead. Life in high school, complete with cartoons.

11. Raiders of the Lost Ark. That opening sequence mirrors my typical morning routine exactly. And people wonder why I always look exhausted...

12. The Cowboys. What life must have been like for my dad herding five kids around the farm to get work done.

13. Duel. Driving to work on a daily basis. I can totally channel Dennis Weaver--look out!

So tell: what movie, or movies, would best illustrate your life?

2008-08-11T05:30:00.004-05:00

WHO DOES YOUR HAIR?

These poor girls. They look like escapees from the Project Runway Tresemme' Hair Salon:

Behold the Traditional Rat's Nest...

...the Ginormous Clumpy Chignon (a variation of the Pony Tail From Hell)...

...and the Pollinator, guaranteed to bring every bee in a five-mile radius to your very own head.
.
Happy Monday!
.

2008-08-07T07:39:00.002-05:00

THIRTEEN SINGLE CONSIDERATIONS

There's pros and cons to every situation, I suppose, and this post came from recent discussions with friends--some of them married--about singlehood. Enjoy!

1. PLUS: I get the bed to myself. No snoring, no tossing and turning, and all the pillows I want.
2. MINUS: No place to warm up my cold feet.
3. PLUS: It's my own yard and I can grow vegetables and weeds if I want to.
4. MINUS: I have to mow the yard.
5. PLUS: My grocery bills are lower.
6. MINUS: I have to get jars open by myself.
7. PLUS: It's much quieter.
8. MINUS: I think I'm talking to myself more just to hear another voice.
9. PLUS: I don't have to sift through lies.
10. MINUS: I got hit on by a neighbor and it was freaky.
11. PLUS: I can make a mess if I want to.
12. MINUS: I can't blame anyone else for it and I still have to clean it up.
13. PLUS: The "man" stuff--farting, scratching, watching COPS and UFC, stuff like that--has been cut in half. Now if I can only retrain Son... yeah, right...

Well, it looks like the pluses outweigh the minuses today. Woo hoo!

PS: Update on the computer: it crashed again. Am taking it to repair shop tomorrow. My IT guy at work says it sounds like hardware failure. Joy. Rapture. I can hardly wait to hear the estimate.

2008-08-05T12:41:00.002-05:00

ARGUMENT FOR SAINTHOOD

Dear God: Enclosed please find my Official Application For Sainthood in Arial 12 font('cause we know you don't like those pesky serifs), laser printed on 65 lb. brilliant white print stock, in triplicate with a backup on cd as per Your instructions.

I feel that today's latest installment in My Life 101 is worthy of consideration. After all, it's not every day the Former Boyfriend I Mistakenly Thought Would Be Husband calls and asks for a big favor from The Love Of His Life That He Just Wouldn't Suck It Up For. I was tempted, Lord, to deny that louse any favor of me; I was tempted to show him the door and kick his trashy ass to the curb and send him ki-yi-ing down the street with his mangy tail between his faithless legs; I was tempted by the juicy fruit of the NO branch, followed by the succulent fruits of the HELL NO tree. Sin was beckoning with both hands.

Did I sink into the depths of temptation? No, I did not. I may have quizzed him mercilessly, I may have asked questions better not voiced, but I resisted the urge of NO and called upon my humane-ness and said I would pick him up from surgery if--and only if--he could not find any other alternative.

Yes, Lord, I realize I may yet get out of this obligation, which could render my application invalid. But please consider the fact that I resisted sin and temptation (a true difficulty under the circumstances) and humanely said okay before you reject the application.

Thank you for your time, and have a nice day!

Sincerely Yours,

Elizabeth

2008-08-05T05:19:00.001-05:00

UPDATE FROM THE TRENCHES

Well folks, the XPS 410 (otherwise known as my computer) is back up and running, thanks to those Operating System disks included with my purchase. There's still a few kinks to work out, and a bazillion or two updates to reinstall, but so far so good. In a word: Whew!!

2008-08-04T05:36:00.002-05:00

CAN ANYONE SAY... KERFLUFFLE?

Hi all, and happy Monday! Well, not so happy for me--I had a major hardware failure in my desktop (the shiny, sparkly, lovely desktop with all the bells and whistles) and as of this posting it is sitting silent in the office, waiting for me to get more information from the computer powers that be about what the problem is and whether or not it is fixable.

The whole system is out; windows won't even start! I lost my pictures, my settings... and my whole stash of romance novel covers. I know, you're all grabbing your chests in horror, barely able to draw breath from the shock of it all. Don't worry, I'm still able to blog to the universe and annoy all y'all with my pithy observations and smartalecky comments from my little laptop. But today, I'm fresh out of inspiration and romance is the farthest thing from my mind. Hopefully I'll have some answers by next Monday.

So from my desk to yours: beef up your firewalls, back up your system regularly and do those virus scans!

2008-07-31T05:37:00.003-05:00

THIRTEEN SUMMER GAMES & RIDES

I think every town has one: the fair/carnival/festival that comes around, usually sometime in July complete with parades, bands and enough cotton candy to turn you into a diabetic overnight. In my town it was called the Firemen's Field Days. It was, to my young eyes, only the coolest time of the year, when I could see my friends again and hang out before school started. A magical place full of laughter, dust, screaming kids and creepy carnies, and it wasn't a success until you played every game and rode every ride and someone eventually threw up from the excitement of it all...

1. The Ferris Wheel. I had my first real live kiss on a ferris wheel when I was 14. His name was Jerry and he had red hair. I remember worrying more about mom & dad seeing us than anything else.

2. The Pick-Up-The-Duck Game. Hands down, the best carnival game IN THE UNIVERSE! I used to plot and scheme like crazy, mark my duck with my eyes, follow it around, pluck it from the scuzzy water... and it was always a 1 or a 2. I never won anything big.

3. The Tilt-A-Whirl. Otherwise known as the Vomit Comet. I'm nauseous just thinking about it.

4. The Super Slide. Remember these? Big, yellow, scary when you were waiting your turn at the top...

5. The Rockets. This ride was probably the most unsafe ride in the world but we went on it a bazillion times. Basically it was a stick with a car on either end that went around really fast in circles. Major thrills, baby, major.

6. The Scrambler. Almost on a par with the Tilt-A-Whirl in terms of absolute sickness. But for a brief period, around 7th grade, we all wanted to go on this one. I don't know why.

7. The Strongman Game. Conveniently located next to the beer tent, so guys could get all juiced up, start bragging and eventually stagger over to the game to prove their manhood. And inevitably, they would only "get it up" to somewhere between Mama's Boy and Limp-Wristed.

8. The Cake Wheel/Whiskey Wheel. What would a fair be without gambling? Yes, way up in podunk Mexico, NY we had a cake wheel AND a whiskey wheel. Booze and dessert--what more could you ask for?

9. The Roundup. This ride was all about centrifugal force, and remains a serious contender in the Puke Brigade.

10. The Fun House. To tell the truth, the Fun House wasn't all that fun.

11. That dumb game where you throw ping-pong balls at goldfish bowls. Yes, I wanted a goldfish. No, I never won one.

12. The Swings. I think this was my favorite ride, because I always loved--and still loved--riding on a swing. I can't pass by a swingset without trying it out.

13. The Merry-Go-Round. Of course, the ones at the field days were pretty lame, but I still have fond memories of trying to get on the "prettiest" horse and hanging on for dear life while the ride creaked and groaned and carried me around.

Time to share: what's your favorite? Have you ever ridden a ride so much you puked? And seriously, where do carnies really come from?

2008-07-29T06:54:00.003-05:00

THE JOY OF STRESS

Have you ever noticed that just when you don't need any more stress, you get another shovelful dumped on your pile?

.
For me, today, it's a lovely tangle of work/home/Son/money/The G/school. Work: my annual performance review is coming up and naturally, being the worrier I am, I'm worried about it. Did I do okay? Do they still like me? Am I in trouble? Home: the neverending list--I want to paint something, I want a fence, I want a deck, I really need to fix my garage door, etc. Son: school's starting, supplies, football, girls, doing the right thing, will he step it up and get better grades, what about college? Money: don't even get me started on this one. The G: he's got a plate and a half worth of his own stress right now to deal with, I know this but I'm still feeling neglected, like I'm doing something wrong, I'm not getting any, blah de blah blah. School: oy! Class schedules and financial aid and trying to figure out if my bill is going to be paid in time by the feds or not and if I'll be in trouble...

Isn't stress great? Anybody got a magic wand they can wave over my head and just make it all go away?

2008-07-28T05:03:00.002-05:00

COVER OF THE YEAR

Well, folks, all that obsessive checking of blogs paid off big. That know-all Mecca of romance, All About Romance, released their cover contest winners for 2007 this month. Topping the list for the worst covers of the year(do you have your airline-approved sick bags handy?) was this little gem:

I've got news for the cover artist: it might be spankable, but if you think that's big, honey, you've been locked in your office waaayy to long.

Click here to see the other winners, and have a big, spankably Happy Monday!

2008-07-24T05:42:00.002-05:00

THIRTEEN LAZY HAZY CRAZY SUMMER THOUGHTS
.

1. I love the sound of cicadas. Even cooler is finding one.

2. My Weber grill is high on my "best friend" list all summer. If I had a gas version, it'd be right up there all winter too.

3. I love my new house (youall have heard me wax on about this) but it is lacking two things: a shade tree and a hammock.

4. I love waking up with someone and listening to the world wake up. Ex: Last weekend I was with "The G". He's a notoriously early riser (we're talking 4:30 am here) and I am a notoriously light sleeper. Anyway, he gets up early--quietly, too! another plus for The G!--makes coffee, etc. and goes out to his back porch for his morning coffin nail. Of course I'm awake and after a bit I get up, get some coffee, and join him on the porch. The birds were waking up, the train went by, we talked about this and that... it was just serene and lovely.

5. Son came home Monday. Hooray!

6. My house has turned back into Grand Central Station! (I don't mind, for the most part.)

7. I am harvesting fresh vegetables from my garden. Beans, cukes and even a few tomatoes already. Yum!

8. I also have more dill and basil than I know what to do with. But it smells heavenly.

9. Every once in a while I take my orange cat, Edd, out on a leash for a stroll around the yard. He digs it despite his cantankerous-ness.

10. I love taking the dog to the park for a run. But I learned a valuable lesson this week--keep him out of the puddles and mud. Bart (aka Mr. Lovey) is in the hospital right now with some kind of virus/bacteria he picked up there that gave him some serious diarrhea. Eeuuwww!

11. Even though fall is my favorite season, I love the hundreds of different shades of green I find during summer.

12. I've rediscovered my love of bugs this summer. Fireflies, bees, spiders... they're all pretty cool.

13. Last, but definitely not least--ice cream. Okay, let's all channel our inner Homer Simpson here: "mmmm....ice creammmm...."

Share your lazy hazy craziness here! Happy summer!

2008-07-21T04:54:00.002-05:00

WHEN COVER ARTISTS DRINK TOO MUCH

ARRR!!! Be that Captain Morgan under the umbrella? What's he doing in a skirt and heels, matey?

Happy Monday!

2008-07-17T05:37:00.006-05:00

THIRTEEN YOUTUBE VIDEOS

Yes, I'm a youtube fan. It's not my fault; I totally blame Son. He's always like "Mom! Check this out!" and I have to run in and see what he's found this time. I'm not going to put up 13 videos--that would be huge!--but I'll try and link to all the pages. Enjoy!

1. Simon's Cat: Cat Man Do. This one is my favorite but he has two others that are very cute and funny too!

2. The Lego Beer Song. Just fun silliness!

3. The Toddler Song. More silliness, but so true of this age!

4. The Dancing DUI. This guy almost pulled it off!

5. Cell Phones Popping Corn. I wonder if too much cell use will really fry your brain?

6. Rough And Ready Man. Already posted this but I love it.

7. One More Minute. Ditto.

8. Crazy Cat Videos. There's a million of them!

9. Sports Bloopers. This one is only about 10 seconds long but it cracks me up.

10. Extreme Skate. These guys thought they were cooler than the young kids. Not!

11. The Holy Hand Grenade. Loves me some Monty Python!

12. Superstition. What a blast from the past! Watch the kids whipping their heads around!

13. TV/Movie Outtakes: Mr. Bean. Always a hoot!

You know what you've got to do: Share! I want to see what you've got.

2008-07-14T05:15:00.006-05:00

SAME PLANET, DIFFERENT WORLDS

She: Some nice cool lemonade will score points with the new guy.

He: I wonder how fast I can get her skirt up?

PS: Any ideas on what that red thing is right at loverboy's--ahem!--crotch?
.

He: Oh yeah, got the girl, got the tent, got the fire... score one for the big guy!

She: The ground is hard, I've got 6 million bug bites and any second now, that marshmallow's going in the fire. Boy, am I having fun. Woo, woo.

He: Hmm... wonder if I should have gotten the bigger one? After all, Mrs. Howell had a diamond as big as a doorknob, and bigger is better...
.
She: Thank God the engagement is as fake as this ring.

.
She: Oh yeah. Cute babies win guys over every time.
.
He: I'll hold cute baby so long as I get to shag hot mommy later--hang on... I think someone just dropped a Texas-sized bomb!
.
Happy Monday!
.

2008-07-12T10:23:00.002-05:00

WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS

So there I was, minding my own business...

The FS calls Thursday. He's in the hospital. With a staph infection (yes, I made a rude comment, I couldn't help it) that has gone into the bone. He's having surgery today.

Why, you ask, did he call me--the woman he couldn't wait to get out of his life? Well...

I'm his official contact in his medical paperwork. Oh yes, I'm the decision maker, the plug puller, whatever you want to call it. He never changed his info. Even better--he NEVER TOLD ME he put me on to begin with!!

The exasperation here is monumental. The "I'll never get rid of him as long as I live" feeling is overwhelming, to say the least. The "Why me, God?" sensation is a thrill beyond all others, let me tell you.

In a word, oy.

2008-07-10T05:08:00.002-05:00

THIRTEEN WORDS/PHRASES I DISLIKE
(just call me "Dictionator")

I love words, truly. I love reading them and writing them and I may even paint some on the walls of my new house. But there are some words, or strings of words, out there that I've never cared for, or grown to dislike over the years:

1. Enough. It sets you up to inevitably fall short: Not good enough. You don't trust me enough. When you start setting terms of "enough", nothing ever is enough.

2. Should. A dictating word that always makes me feel like I don't measure up.

3. "See what I'm sayin'?" Actually, no. Unless you live in a comic strip and use speech bubbles, I cannot SEE what you are saying.

4. Mega. This isn't even a word, really, but popular culture cut it off from its big brothers and sisters and it has been drifing around ever since, latching onto advertising and giving one and all the impression that you must have/be/do/ingest/wear/possess something Mega to be cool.

5. "Have a good one!" Yes, I've used this myself. Still, every time I hear it I want to ask: Have a good what? What exactly is the one?

6. Pussy. As used to describe female genitalia. It's just so... ridiculous. And if you use it on me in bed I'll succumb to a giggling fit and totally lose the mood. And speaking of which:

7. Penis. I truly understand why men have names for their "unit". I mean, penis is such an unsavory, clinical, sterile word. Don't use this word on me in bed either. I'll probably throw up. Or break out the HazMat suit. And best of all:

8. Crotch. This has to be one of the worst sounding, worst spelled words in the universe.

9. "Let me see..." Three words guaranteed, in my mind, to spawn a lie. Thank you, FS.

10. Oozing. Gives me a serious case of the shudders. Generates too-vivid imagery.

11. "Your point being?" Obnoxious factor aside, I can't handle the grammar torture.

12. Wrong. Conversation heads quickly south after this word comes in to play.

13. Slug. Another shudder-producing word. Slippery, slimy...eeeuww!

Time to share! What tops your least-favorite list?

2008-07-08T10:02:00.004-05:00

GOTTA GET ME SOME STORYTIME

Isn't that picture great? Nice storytime lady sitting serenely in her chair, shoes match the shirt and complement the skirt with legs properly crossed at the ankles(no varicose veins here!), surrounded by eager and willing listeners, rapt with attention...

(SNORT!)

Time for a reality check, folks. It's 10:15 on Tuesday. Poe (my mascot/puppet pal) and I announce storytime. For a moment, the crowd is silent, looking at me like I just sprouted snakes from my head. Then it begins. Mothers yanking toddlers to their feet, toddlers shrieking because they don't want to leave the train table, and me marching Poe and myself into the storytime room like I'm the Queen Mother. (Bow to my majesty, poor subjects!)

First in are the Eager Beavers. My regulars that I know by name--they say hi and want to pet Poe and all that happy stuff. Next come the Shy Attacks. Most of these are first timers that have never been around other kids and they spend the whole time hiding their faces in mom's armpit. Then we have the Feet Draggers. Still pouting (or shrieking) because they had to--gasp!--leave the train table for a lousy storytime!

I start with stretching exercises and use The Shakers (they're like mini maracas) for fun and noise. I start out normal, but thirty seconds in I'm cranked up to about two notches below a shout--not because of the kids, but the mothers! "Yappity, yappity, yadda yadda yadda, I take him to Dr. Whatsit then my breast milk dried up and do you still go to Gymboree and we're going to Aruba next Thursday and yadda-da-dadda and on and on" It's like a class reunion or something, every single week.

On to the stories. I make some kind of introduction on the theme (today it was bugs) and I'm just launching into my first story, complete with grand gestures and appropriate voices when...

The Johnny Come Lately's show up--those folks that run in their own personal time zone and zip code. Flinging open the door, out of breath "yadda da-dadda blah de blah", totally oblivious to the fact that they're LATE and storytime has started and did I mention they're LATE???

For those of you who have not experienced the joys of storytime I'll let you in on a little secret here. Toddlers (age 2-3 1/2, more or less) get distracted easily. Like really easily. One little sideshow, like someone coming in LATE, can set the whole flock off in a new direction.

Anyway, I soldier on, reading my stories, doing my fingerplays, singing my songs and dancing my dances--rising above the mom-cacophony, kicking ass, taking names, etc. etc. , doing my utmost to provide some kind of quality experience to the kids who really want to be there--until the clock strikes 10:45 and they all rumble out like a herd of elephants, strollers and all.

And I collapse in my chair, looking surprisingly like this:

God, I love my job.

2008-07-07T04:58:00.004-05:00

STRIKE A POSE

I realize in this digital age that novel covers are pretty much pose, snap and off to Corel or Paintshop. But just for fun, let's spin these covers back to the time period they represent. No cameras, just a hired painter, an easel and our hero & heroine:

Painter: Okay, Jack, you bend your head a little closer to Jill--

Jack: Do I have to? Her breath stinks!

Jill: It's not my fault! As soon as I get paid Friday, I'm having that rotten tooth yanked out at the barbershop.

Painter: Oh, no, young lady, you keep all your teeth until I'm done painting them!

Jack: I have the biggest kink in my back right now.

Jill: Yeah? Well my neck's killing me, and this heather is no feather mattress.

Painter: You two stop talking! I need you to be absolutely still! Jack, lean closer!

Jack: Okay--hang on, whoa, wait--I'm fall--

SPLAT!

Jill: Get. Off. Me.

Happy Monday!

2008-07-03T04:49:00.002-05:00

THIRTEEN GREAT CINEMA KISSES
.
Okay, so I'm still stuck on kissing. I can't help it. I got a surprise kiss at my work yesterday morning (thanks, G!) and I'm sorta gaga right now.

I've seen a lot of kissing onscreen--some great, some...not so great. I've posted a few of my faves; enjoy!
.
1. Scarlett O'Hara and Rhett Butler by the carriage. He's leaving, she's pissed off, he kisses her like there's no tomorrow--and she slaps his face and says she hopes a cannonball lands right on him! Classic!
2. From Here To Eternity. Okay, Deb and Burt probably got a lot of sand in their nether parts, but baby, that was one romantic kiss!
3. George Bailey and Mary Hatch on the phone. Poor chump Sam Wainright is yapping away about the "chance of a lifetime!" then George loses his cool and "Oh, Mary!" and Mary's all "George, George, George!" Corny, but wonderful.
4. Ronnie and Loretta from Moonstruck. When he flips the table out of the way so he can grab his girl my heart flips. Every time.
5. Humphrey Bogart. He's never been my idea of a sex symbol, but whether he was paired with Ingrid or Lauren or who, he made those kisses memorable.
6. Lady and the Tramp. Come on, who wouldn't want to be kissed over spaghetti?
7. John Wayne. He's such an alpha guy, so take-charge manhandle type that any kiss he ever does is forceful and hard and... ooh, be still my heart.
8. Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves in The Lake House. The movie itself wasn't amazing or anything, but then they finally met at the house and he didn't even give her a chance to speak, just grabbed her and dove right in--wow!
9. Bugs Bunny and the Tasmanian Devil. The one where Bugs, dressed up like a lady devil with a giant bear trap in his mouth for "teeth" kisses Tazzie and SNAP!!!
10. To Catch A Thief. Grace and Cary are watching fireworks from her hotel suite. Clever photography inserts firework clips in between them getting closer, closer...
11. Westley and Buttercup. "Is this a kissing book? I hate kissing books." But by the end the kid lets Grampa read one kissing scene.
12. Adrian and Rocky's first kiss. Sweet, hesitant, then whoosh! Passion on the floor!
13. A Room With A View. Lucy Honeychurch was so innocent until George Emerson came along... Nothing like a field of flowers in Italy to get your blood hot. It would work for me--if I ever went to Italy that is...

Your turn to share! And may you feel "fireworks" every time you kiss. Happy 4th!

2008-07-01T07:25:00.002-05:00

PARENTS

Anyone besides me ever worry about turning into their parents?

I went for a visit last weekend. Overall it was nice; got to see relatives, eat alot, etc. etc. But inevitably, things were said:

Mom: I liked your hair short better.

and

Dad: You're getting stoop shouldered!

Understand that mom has always been a short-hair kind of person and she has hounded me for 20 years that I need to "get a haircut that befits your age, dear." This comment was totally expected and I simply told her I like longer better.

Now, dad is known for the zingers. He tells things like they are and doesn't care if he hurts your feelings or not. Most times this is beneficial. It's also paranoia-inducing. Despite my sisters and brother telling me I look just fine, I've been checking my posture fanatically ever since.

And telling myself, over and over, that I won't turn out just like them. I won't I won't I won't.

2008-06-30T06:17:00.003-05:00

A KISS IS JUST A KISS... or is it?

Ah, the all-important kiss. Where would a romance novel be without it? That tender, fierce, loving, passionate, happy, angry, long-awaited, she-didn't-know-she-loved-him-till-that-kiss moment. I've read a kajillion of them; some good, some lousy... but they all serve that so-important purpose of bonding the hero and heroine, on paper, in the movies and in real life.

I've been thinking about kissing rather than snarking because a) I couldn't make up my mind about covers this morning and Klimt was just calling me, and b) because my blogfriend Missie commented on last Thursday's TT she wanted to know more about the "good kisser" I mentioned.

Well, (blush) I have a friend. I've known him for quite some time. It's a long story, but despite the attraction factor (he was cute, I'll admit it) he came on too strong at the wrong time and all I ever saw in him was a player--he'd hit on me every time he came into my work and I always felt like he just wanted to score and I so wasn't there (but when he wasn't hitting on me, he was actually a nice guy). Then there was 6 years of me with the FS, I stopped working at that job for a period of time and we fell out of touch. Then, of course, December happened, my house happened, I went back to work part time at the old job for extra money... and I wondered about him. We got back in touch, went out to lunch, and things just sort of... happened. We're not dating, we're not getting serious. We just agreed we both deserve to have some fun. Including kissing. And more kissing. And more stuff.

And man, can he kiss. I haven't been kissed like this in over 10 years. He's one of those long, slow kissers that lock on and don't stop until you're breathless. Ooh. Oh dear. I'm getting breathless just thinking about it. I'd better take a cold shower.

Happy Monday!

2008-06-26T05:37:00.002-05:00

THIRTEEN "IF ONLIES"

Thanks to Rhonda, I got an idea for this morning's TT. She's got a post over on her Fictionistas site that talks about "If I only knew then...". Ahh, hindsight is always 20-20, and even if we did know, would we really have done differently? It's a muddle folks, but it's fun to wonder(not worrying, just wondering...).

1. If I'd known at 18 that at 41 I would not only not be a published author but not writing at all I would have told all my naysayers to f*** off and pushed myself to that goal. (Don't fret; I haven't completely given up yet.)
2. If I'd known at 31 that I would want another child at 38, I would not have gotten my tubes tied.
3. If I'd known at 22 how much I loved working in a library, I would have gone on for my MLS right there instead of waiting almost 20 years.
4. If I'd known in my teens that I would know myself more fabulous in my forties, I would not have been so worried about the stupid stuff.
5. If I'd known that damned walnut tree was going to permanently scar me, I would have listened to my dad and not climbed it!
6. If I'd known how many opportunities I would miss, I would have started being braver sooner.
7. If I'd known that skin gets more sensitive as one gets older I would avoid situations in which I might wind up with a hickey about the size and shape of Illinois. Yes, right there in front where it's almost impossible to hide. (Don't get me wrong, I totally enjoyed myself--I'm just sayin', lesson learned!)
8. If I'd known how quickly Son would grow up, I'd have invented a time machine or something so I could go back to about age 3 and rock him, hold his hand, and just snuggle up with him every once in a while.
9. If I'd known that trying to "get along" and please everybody all the time would get me exactly nowhere... I think I would have tried to put myself first more often.
10. If I'd known at 33 that a certain alpha guy who wouldn't stop hitting on me was a fabulous kisser (among other things) I don't think I would have waited until 41 to get to know him better.
11. If I'd known what a nightmare my first real boyfriend would turn out to be, I would have avoided him like the plague.
12. If I'd known how much I'd forget over the years, I'd have tried harder to remember--journals, scrapbooks, etc...
13. If I'd known how much fun midlife could be, I'd have been 41 first!!

Time to share--give me an "if only" or two!