Thursday, April 24, 2008

Since last week's post I've been thinking: if I do return to that murky pool called 'dating' down the road, what kind of partner would I look for? In reading the ads last week I noticed most men seemed to have written off a template--they pretty much all thought they were athletic and fit, and to a man "enjoyed long walks in the park." Oy. So here, for your enjoyment, are my responses, thoughts, suggestions, etc:

1. Okay, "athletic and fit" means just that. You've got muscled arms and a six-pack. If your definition of "athletic" means that you played ball in high school, 20 years ago, and you think you're "fit" because you buckle your size 34 pants UNDER your beer belly, think again.
2. "Long walks in the park" for me are hikes with my dog. We go uphill, downhill, blaze new trails, sweat, get poison ivy and wet feet. It's not romantic by any stretch of the imagination.
3. You like home-cooked romantic dinners? (Awww, isn't that nice?) Who's making those dinners? You think slicing and dicing and burning myself and reeking of onions is romantic? You've probably used "the little woman" in general conversation, haven't you? Would you like me to be barefoot and pregnant too? (Where's that wine?)
4. If your idea of good conversation revolves around sports, politics, or Rush Limbaugh, do not apply. And please, don't try to talk to me about books if you don't read, or if you believe that Oprah's Book List is a hallmark of great literature.
5. I will not wear the following items: belly shirts, pants with zippers less than 4" long, shoes with heels more than 4" high, string bikinis or deep vee necks. I believe the term "underwear" means it should be concealed UNDER one's clothing. (Refill my wine glass, would you?)
6. I think sports cars make a man of a certain age look Old, Gay, and/or Desperate. Also: red, lime green, purple or yellow colored cars in general spark that same thought.
7. You want a woman who is "confident and sure of herself, who knows what she wants", do you? Do you really want to know my opinions and desires? If I tell you what I want, will I actually get it? If I cry or need a shoulder to lean on, will you hightail it outta here?
8. I am romantic. I cry over movies and at weddings and stuff like that. I like nice gestures like holding a door for me, flowers, cards, throwing yourself over a puddle so my feet won't get wet. Not only do I like them in the first blush of love, I like them two years later when we're totally used to each other and the bloom has worn off the rose, so to speak.
9. "Honest" as a word is like Silly Putty. You can stretch it and bounce it and press it on an image and get a print! Frankly, I prefer the word "Truth." I like men to tell me the truth. Even if sometimes the truth will hurt my feelings. Truth is REALLY IMPORTANT. (I truly would like some more wine.)
10. I'm not perfect. My breasts aren't quite as perky as they used to be, I have an intimate friendship with Lady Clairol and the cellulite on the backs of my thighs has reached endemic proportions. However, my personality is super, my values are sterling, my heart is made of gold and my sense of humor is still intact. Trust me, you'll need someone to talk to you over dinner in ten years when the hot chicks won't look at you anymore.
11. Every once in a while, I am going to want to talk about "intimate" stuff. You will be required to talk back. It's called a discussion. People have them.
12. I'm really not cool with you: flirting with other women in front of me, being sloppy drunk in public, or driving well over the speed limit when I'm in the car. You are a grownup, and you are accountable.
13. If you're not really a nice guy, don't say you are. I'll figure it out, you know. (And I'll need to finish off that wine. Hand it over, would you?)
Feel free to share your "honest" opinions here! Happy day!


Robyn said...

If you're rude enough to say "No Fatties" in your ad, you've just lost my respect, even if I'm built like a swizzle stick.

I'm not- I'm just sayin.

StarvingWriteNow said...

Oooh! I totally forgot about that one--that burns me, too!

Bernita said...

Right on, Girl!

And thank you for the "vibes." Needed and appreciated them.

Rhonda Stapleton said...

ROFL--HILARIOUS. great list.

spyscribbler said...

"Honest" as a word is like Silly Putty. You can stretch it and bounce it and press it on an image and get a print!

Ohmigawd! That's BRILLIANT, WriteNow! That's genius! I love that!

spyscribbler said...

Gosh. You could write a whole book on that! That would make a great first line. Man. I'm so bummed I didn't write that, I gotta tell you.

Aimless Writer said...

My honest opinion? I just want some wine...

Great list! lol

sasha said...

i love skechers shoes
because they have lot of awesome stuff