THIRTEEN "SEX SCENE" PEEVES
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We've watched, read, and perhaps written, enough of these to choke on. Some are funny, some are nasty, and some make you go WTF? Some are crucial to story development, some are just thrown in for titillation and they really don't make any difference. But whatever the reasons I feel compelled (thanks to reading Honey's post from yesterday over at Deadline Divas) to comment/snark/whatever today:
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(warning: this post is rated "L" for language)
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1. How many euphemisms are there for that proud, jutting, throbbing male shaft? Too many to list here, I'm sure--but what it comes down to is this: a cock is a cock.

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2. Speaking of throbbing, I asked Sweetheart and he says he only "throbs" when he's on the brink of orgasm, or if I (insert modest blush) am squeezing him. When it's just sticking out there, it doesn't throb.

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3. Sex descriptors guaranteed to send me into a giggling fit: Sword, pussy, love channel, piston, puckered, folds, dick... just to name a few.

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4. Sex descriptors guaranteed to make me gag: creamy, weeping, puddle, hole, "golden shower"(which, after the gag factor goes right to giggles) ... just to name a few.

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5. It always amazes me when a virgin heroine is taken by her massively-proportioned hero and manages to sit a horse without a single "ouch" the next day.

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6. Speaking of massive, are there any romances (any kind) out there where the hero is just average in his proportions? Or small?

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7. "Heaving" bosoms. I understand the meaning here, but "heave" to me means throwing. Like a bale of hay, or a baseball. Or vomiting.

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8. Breasts that are pendulous or swaying. The imagery here is just icky.

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9. Simultaneous orgasms. Perhaps you(or someone you know) is among the 1/10 of 1 percent of the population that enjoys this miracle, but personally speaking, this has never happened to me. I simply cannot relate.

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10. I think I've only read one book (to memory) where, after the heroine has her first time, she did NOT want to do it again (because of the pain/discomfort) and actively resisted it (until she got the hang of it, of course...).

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11. Has there ever been a hero who was a virgin? I certainly haven't read every romance out there, but I can't think of one.

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12. How come heroines always have small, perky nipples that instantly pucker into rock hard nubbins the instant the hero touches them?

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13. Whimpering. WTF? Puppies whimper. Babies whimper. Got it?

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