Tuesday, August 05, 2008

ARGUMENT FOR SAINTHOOD

Dear God: Enclosed please find my Official Application For Sainthood in Arial 12 font('cause we know you don't like those pesky serifs), laser printed on 65 lb. brilliant white print stock, in triplicate with a backup on cd as per Your instructions.

I feel that today's latest installment in My Life 101 is worthy of consideration. After all, it's not every day the Former Boyfriend I Mistakenly Thought Would Be Husband calls and asks for a big favor from The Love Of His Life That He Just Wouldn't Suck It Up For. I was tempted, Lord, to deny that louse any favor of me; I was tempted to show him the door and kick his trashy ass to the curb and send him ki-yi-ing down the street with his mangy tail between his faithless legs; I was tempted by the juicy fruit of the NO branch, followed by the succulent fruits of the HELL NO tree. Sin was beckoning with both hands.

Did I sink into the depths of temptation? No, I did not. I may have quizzed him mercilessly, I may have asked questions better not voiced, but I resisted the urge of NO and called upon my humane-ness and said I would pick him up from surgery if--and only if--he could not find any other alternative.

Yes, Lord, I realize I may yet get out of this obligation, which could render my application invalid. But please consider the fact that I resisted sin and temptation (a true difficulty under the circumstances) and humanely said okay before you reject the application.

Thank you for your time, and have a nice day!

Sincerely Yours,

Elizabeth

6 Comments:

Missie said...

Dear Lord,

If you are not inclined to make her a saint, please at least allow her into Heaven.

Your daughter,
Missie

p.s. She is waaay nicer than me, Lord. I would have told FS to take out a personal ad for a ride home.

StarvingWriteNow said...

Update: He got another ride. I didn't have to do anything. Bless his little pea-picking heart.

spyscribbler said...

"pea-picking heart"

What a description! Crazy guy.

I'll second that nomination.

Bernita said...

I am not in your league. I would have told him there are taxis for such contingencies.

Robyn said...

I would have told him to crawl home on bloody knees.

StarvingWriteNow said...

LOLOLOL!!!! You guys rock!