Thursday, September 04, 2008


THIRTEEN WAYS TO BEEF UP YOUR PERSONAL AD

Don't worry, folks, I haven't quite lost my sanity enough to take out an ad on one of the many gazillions of personal sites out there. But just for fun, let's imagine how to turn an "average" into an "exceptional"! If you'd like to play along, remember, use active verbs and consult your Roget's for alternative word choices!

1. The Truth: You still live with your mother.
The Ad: "I have a roommate."

2. The Truth: You're such a slob that your apartment is in danger of being condemned because of all the food wrappers, pizza boxes and drink cans laying around.
The Ad: "I consider myself a Bohemian."

3. The Truth: You can carry a case of beer up a flight of stairs without getting winded.
The Ad: "I'm athletic!"

4. The Truth: You're unemployed/unemployable.
The Ad: "My schedule is really flexible!"

5. The Truth: You're a professional Trekkie/Star Wars fan(conventions, makeup, the works).
The Ad: "DaHjaj 'oH QaQ jaj Daq Hegh!" (apparently this is Klingon--writing your personal ad in this will definitely narrow the field!)

6. The Truth: You're just looking for sex.
The Ad: "I have a certain joie de vivre!" or "I'm looking for a meaningful relationship."

7. The Truth: The last time you attempted serious exercise you nearly ruptured something.
The Ad: "I like long walks in the park."

8. The Truth: You're a psycho stalker on the loose.
The Ad: "I'm dedicated!"

9. The Truth: You're addicted to television.
The Ad: "I like to stay connected!"

10. The Truth: Your hobbies include collecting Spam memorabilia and making miniature sculptures out of boogers.
The Ad: "I have a variety of interests!"

11. The Truth: You're one step away from being labeled a "Crazy Cat Lady".
The Ad: "I love animals!"

12. The Truth: You're a Walmart greeter, or you work the drive-thru at your local fast food joint.
The Ad: "I'm in public service!"

13. The Truth: You're uglier than Freddie Krueger.
The Ad: "I have a sparkling personality!"

Got any more for me? Share them in comments!

9 Comments:

Bernita said...

Am too busy shuddering.

Robyn said...

"I have a great appreciation for art."

You're addicted to porn.

spyscribbler said...

Oh, God, please let me never have to go back there!

StarvingWriteNow said...

"I have a great appreciation for art"

LOL!!!!

Seriously, you guys all want to be right out there with me, right??

Missie said...

I triple-dog dare you to put a "True" ad out there using the criteria you just listed....and see what responses you get.

Then you must share them here, of course.

p.s. Did I miss something, ie what happened to The G?

StarvingWriteNow said...

The G did the classic "fade" in the beginning of August. After some contemplation, I let him go--it's better that way.

Missie said...

Then he is a stinkypoopoo head who doesn't deserve to bask in your greatness. And one day, when he realizes his mistake and comes crawling back on broken glass with tears streaming down his face and snot flowing out his nose and begs you with pitiful wails to forgive his stupid self for ever letting you go, you can look down from your lofty perch inside your private jet which your new husband bought just because it matched your eyes, and inform G that it's too late...Then your new man will whisk you away to Switzerland, where he has a villa that's been in the family for generations, and there you and Son will have every need and whim catered to by a staff of one hundred whose only purpose in life is to anticipate your desires and be sure they are met. And as you recline in your leather seat wearing your silk lounging pajamas and finger the pearl and diamond necklace that New Rich Man picked up at Tiffany's for you as an "It's Tuesday" present, and view the world from thirty thousand feet, you will think to yourself..."G sure did do me a favor in August 2008".

And that is all.

Robyn said...

Good Lord, Missie! Can I do that one instead?

StarvingWriteNow said...

LOL!!!!!!!!

When I get that jet that matches my eyes, I'm taking ALL of you for a ride! And then we're all getting Swiss spa treatments, and Hermes bags, and all that rich-people stuff!