Wednesday, October 01, 2008

(Honeoye Lake, New York)
Where was I?

A quick aside, the photo above is part of the Finger Lakes Region of New York, where I used to live. There is a state park on the far end, in the hills. That's where we walked the dogs, most of the time.

Anyway, back to the story.

Life was bitter. I went along, took care of hearth and home, all that stuff. I saw P occasionally but never alone and we never spoke beyond small talk. (The Vibe between us, however, was strong as ever.) It was like those before and after commercials, where the glass is all dirty before then they clean it and the whole world turns technicolor--just reverse the process for me. My technicolor was gone; my world was a dirty window. P had--by opening himself to me, by giving his friendship selflessly--renewed me. He had given me hope and faith and truth. And it all crashed down into rubble. For a time.

That spring, the ex quit his job. There was a flurry of interviews, plane rides... all that stuff and finally he landed a job in another state and left me and Son behind to sell the house. I had six weeks, and I made the most of them. P and I came back together, picked right up like we hadn't missed a beat, spent as much time as we reasonably could. Let's just call a spade black--even though we weren't having a sexual affair, we were sneaking around. I really didn't care, either. The communion we had... I would have done just about anything to keep it. And he felt the same way; I could see it every time I looked at him.

My last night we had dinner, and when it was time to go we held on like we were drowning. I couldn't stop crying, I remember that, and then he kissed me.

I think that kiss lasted for ten minutes (and man, was it good!). And we said what we both knew: we loved each other. Passionately, obviously, but more than that--this sounds corny but it was like a union of souls. That deep and real. The next day when I was leaving I stopped at the intersection that led to him. I sat there for almost five minutes, so heartsick I thought I might die. The temptation was great, but responsibility was greater and I turned left instead of right. Drove ten hours to a new home, a spouse I no longer loved, the end of my marriage and the beginning of the rest of my life.

I haven't seen P in ten years. The wounds scarred over in time; I heard at one point he had a new love in his life and I was glad--I think loving me made him realize what he was missing, if that makes any sense. Even though I chose not to go back to him and made a life here, there are times when suddenly he's there, surrounding me with that Vibe... and I know he thinks of me still. Times when I dream of him and know without doubt that he has dreamt of me.

Knowing him changed everything in me. Loving him redeemed me. I shudder to think what I would have become if he hadn't come into my life and I thank God to this day that he did.

I've never told anyone this story. And the only reason I'm telling it now... that Vibe has returned, quietly, stealing in over the last few months until the last two weeks when it body-slammed me, pinned me down... and I'm trying really hard to keep a lid on it because the gentleman in question is very closed. I'm not sure if he likes me like that, you know? (yes, that sounds totally high school. shut up.) I think he might. I don't know. (I'm trying to be cool. It's probably not working.)

PS: On an encouraging note, the other day when we were conversing we had a staring moment and I think he might have lost his train of thought for a moment. And frankly, every time I see those blue eyes my brain just shuts down and needs to reboot. It's pathetic.


Rhonda Stapleton said...

Wow. That is beautiful. I was totally drawn into your story. Thank you for sharing such a raw part of your life. ((hugs))

StarvingWriteNow said...

Thanks for the hugs. Thinking about all that, reliving it was hard.

Robyn said...

I know that was difficult, but thanks for being so authentic. I really wish I could hug you right now.