Thursday, December 18, 2008


These little gems were for the most part stolen from an email I got from a best friend last year. Please read and reread till you've got a handle on this. Feel free to print it, link to it, embellish it, post on the fridge and even carry a copy in your car.

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy . Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. It's perfectly okay to make a second trip to the buffet table. Even a third if you really like a particular item. Consider it doing your part to minimize cleanup for your hosts. After all, the less food they have to clean up, the sooner they can get to bed afterwards!

11. Remember that certain foods are perishable. Like, say, shrimp cocktail, oysters rockefeller and lobster bisque. Do your holiday duty by eating as many perishables as possible before they go bad. Trust me, your hosts will thank you.

12. Consider an elastic waistband this year. It allows for expansion while maintaining comfort. And, it can be covered up by that festive holiday sweater!

13. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over--but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Any other party tips you'd like to share? Post 'em in comments!


Robyn said...

ROFL! And A to the Men with #6.

And pie. The world needs more pie.

StarvingWriteNow said...

Pie makes everything better. Especially homemade apple. And pumpkin. And French Silk. And lemon meringue. And...

I could seriously eat pie until I fell into a coma.