Friday, July 14, 2006

Schooner's Top Tens

Schooner is one of my three cats. He's a brown tabby with that perpetually pissed-off look on his face that hides what a romeo he is underneath.

Schooner is the king of attitude. He thinks nothing of stepping on your bladder at 5 a.m. to get you up just a little earlier. He greets the world with a 'go ahead, make my day' philosophy. He beats up dogs regularly. And he is very opinionated. Recently he gave my sweetie (chained to the oars of the business world) some sound advice. See below:

Schooner's Top Ten Rules of Business

10. I’VE DECIDED THAT TODAY I’M THE LION AND YOU’RE THE WATER BUFFALO. AND I’M GONNA TAKE YOUR FAT, SHAGGY BUTT DOWN BY FIVE O’CLOCK.

9. TRUST ME, IF I COULD CLONE MYSELF, I WOULD HAVE ALREADY. AND THE REAL ME WOULD BE ON VACATION.

8. AND YOUR STUPID, IRRELEVANT, WHINY-ASSED OPINION WOULD BE… ?

7. I ONLY ALLOT ONE EST HOUR PER DAY TO LISTEN TO BULLSHIT. IN CENTRAL TIME, THAT WOULD BE WHILE YOU’RE ASLEEP. TOO BAD.

6. HOW CAN YOU CALL DRAGGING ME AWAY FROM MY WORK TO SIT IN A TWO HOUR MEETING THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY WORK A PRODUCTIVE USE OF MY TIME?

5. KEEP POINTING THOSE FINGERS AT ME AND I’LL BITE THEM OFF.

4. DON’T TAKE THIS PERSONALLY, BUT I’LL BE SO HAPPY TO NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN.

3. WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ VACATION ACCRUAL!

2. GOSH, I'M NOT BUSY AT ALL. I'VE ONLY GOT 900 EMPLOYEES' PAYROLL CARDS TO FIGURE OUT HERE. LET ME DROP EVERYTHING AND WORK ON YOUR PROBLEM.

1. MAYBE IT’S MY FAULT AND MAYBE IT ISN’T. WHO CARES? LET’S JUST GET THE JOB DONE SO I CAN GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE AND TAKE A NAP!

...more to follow...

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