Tuesday, April 01, 2008


I'm one of the many souls out there who has never once had a good driver's license photo. After my latest foray into the Motor Vehicle Department (this morning) I emerged with yet another lovely, glamorous print on plastic that will haunt me for the next three years.

After examining it, I came to the realization that the DMV cameras are not your typical cameras. They're more like Funhouse Deluxe Model 13X with 4.7 gazillion megapound-adding pixels and some special settings, like:

SCARED STUPID--The one with the bug eyes and the mouth hanging open because you said "What?" right when they snapped the picture.
SERIAL KILLER--The one where you tried way too hard to smile and look friendly and you turned out like the Big Bad Wolf instead.
FISHBOWL--The one where your face is distorted with big cheeks and a looong nose. This one is my current license. I just got rid of Serial Killer, so I suppose it's an improvement.
AT DEATH'S DOOR--Either the toner is off or you really are dying; those pictures that are cadaver white-skinned with dark circles at the eyes.
HUNG OVER--The one where you probably were hung over (but you'd never admit it).
TRIPPING--Eyes half-shut, head tilted, that faraway smile, hair in the face... oh yeah, been there, done that.
SUICIDAL--Like a combination of Eeyore, Charlie Brown, and a bloodhound. You couldn't possibly look any more depressed.

Have any of youall ever had a nice photo from the DMV, or have they all turned out nutty like mine?


Rhonda Stapleton said...

*snort* I'm dying laughing...nah, mine all stink, too!! My head looks HUGE.

God, I hope my head really isn't that big!!

Bernita said...

Most govmint cameras are like that.
One of mine is in Death's Door style.
My only half-decent one is for my gun license - except it makes me look like a honkey-tonk, red-neck's woman.

Robyn said...

My current one isn't too bad. But my former ones have all been Revelation- I seem to look up with anticipation like I'm hearing instructions from God.