Thursday, January 08, 2009


THIRTEEN NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS I WON'T BE MAKING

Of course, of course, I have made some actual resolutions. Like, to be nicer to people, and to stop forgetting that my dog is outside after I let him out only to remember 20 minutes later and he's down the street in the neighbor's garbage (I already broke this one last night--just hand me that "Bad Pet Mother of the Year" award right now, thanks...). But the following is a list of resolutions that I won't be making, for obvious reasons:

I WILL HEREBY NOT RESOLVE TO:

1. Grow a beard.
2. Learn a new sport, like kayaking or spelunking, for example.
3. Install another tub surround (see prior posts).
4. Multitask. I've found that one task at a time suits me much better.
5. Buy a giant, space-age plasma-coated television set that needs HD upgrades and only plays Blu-Ray discs and takes up half my living room.
6. Make my entire back yard into a garden the whole neighborhood will envy (I'd like to do this, but the years have given me--thank God!--some practicality as well as beauty{snort!}.)
7. Drink more.
8. Exercise less.
9. Eat like I'm sitting on death row every night.
10. Set goals that will make me feel guilty every day.
11. Return to single-alone-hood. I'm very happily un-single again and I intend to stay that way.
12. Sacrifice all my free time for others.
13. Bust my ass for no appreciation/reward (don't get me wrong here, I'm a nice person. Really. But I have the unfortunate habit of wanting to help out everyone and slaving away at projects that give literally nothing in return but heartache, stress and/or financial difficulty--no can do no more, too bad, so sad...).

What resolutions will you not be making? Share in comments!

2 Comments:

spyscribbler said...

We need to catch up! I'm over at Strongsville every Tuesday, just about. And most Fridays and Saturdays.

I want to hear all about this unsinglehood!

Missie said...

1. I will not run off and leave my husband for Pete Wentz.
2. I will not develop anorexia or bulemia.
3. I will not get pregnant.
4. I will not rob a bank.
5. I will not shave my head.
6. I will not become a Scientologist.
7. I will not become a vegan.